Just leave me your stardust to remember you by.

Oh good earth! Sleep is such a wonderful thing. I swear, when I get even 7 hours in for a night or two, my entire outlook on life is changed. I'm more positive, more upbeat and I feel like making healthier life choices. The night before last I got 10 hours of sleep, and it made the 6 last night bearable. I wish I wasn't so sensitive to everything. Yes, everything. I'm sensitive to everything emotional, physical and mental. Even spiritual. At the same time though, I don't know if I'd like not being so sensitive to everything. I think being desensitized to so many things would make things much harder in life. I wouldn't take care of myself as much. Not that I do that anyways. :/ huh.

At work today, there was this boy sitting out on the sidewalk. He was mentally.. uhh deficit? He sat there, on the curb the entire 6 hours we were working. He talked to himself and played with his sandal, but mostly he just watched what were doing. It made me think about how much we miss in our busy lives. That boy probably saw and learned more than anyone on that block, just by sitting and observing. I want to be able to observe my surroundings more intricately. 

This urge to be out in nature gets stronger every year. I would be so alright with just peacing up to the Kootenays and climbing a mountain, building a shelter and living there forever. I would get a horse, a dog and a garden. Grow all my own food, catch fresh fish. None of this fast food, and refrigerated bullshit, no cell phones, no cars, no iPods and computers. No packages, no waste. Back to basics. My heart aches for the most basic living. Rivers, trees, brush, dirt, bugs, fresh berries, chipmunks, birds, fires, glacier water. When I think of all these things, I get this tight feeling in my chest, like I can't breathe. I want to be out there, where I belong. So badly. I don't want to be a part of this fucked up society. I don't want all my actions to continuously be a danger to the earth, to the future of everyone. I don't want to be a part of the anger, the rush, the frantic panic and worry. I want to be at peace with everything and live off the land and love the land. I guess I want to be an ultra hippy. 

So why don't I just go?

I don't want to do it alone.
I want my mother, and my sisters and my brother and my friends to be out there with me. I want them all to experience the way the earth meant for us to live. I don't want to do it alone, but I might have to. 

Last night, I was all alone in the house. I went to sleep at 10:30 and woke up at 11:30 screaming "I don't want to die, It isn't fair." I had been crying apparently and fretting about death. I wish this would stop. It's so stressful, and completely involuntary. it used to happen when I went crazy in 6 mile, and when I was stressed out about school and stuff, but now it happens whenever I'm alone. During the day, I don't worry about death. I know it's nothing I can change. It's a part of everything. So I don't understand why this happens. It always happens when there is no one else around. Except for that one time I woke up screaming and Carys heard me and came running into the bedroom.

Oh good earth. One day you and I will be together in a more powerful way. For now, I will live in this messed up civilization and be a person.

-Why can't I speak to you? I want to come home, I want to come home.-

Perpetual emotion, predetermined lifetime.

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
-St. Augustine

Wow. Well there you have it. 

Lately I keep feeling like love is this pre-formed set of emotions, a certain mixture of feelings that is the same for everyone. That's so silly. Of course it's not the same for anyone. I keep expecting to just know when I'll feel it. Like it will just wash over me and it will be the most amazing feeling I'll ever experience. Fool, it's not that easy, is it?


Marissa and I made up. Yay.Yesterday in fact. I feel better emotionally, and mentally, but my body is still exhausted. I need to take better care of myself. 

>>--<3--|> 

Katie and the continuously sleep deprived nights.

There seems to be a lack of sleep for me in this world. On average, lately, I get maybe 6 hours. This is a dilemma for me, as I don't do well on little sleep. Strangely enough, my body is getting used to it. I'm not nearly as cranky, and I don't feel like randomly crying because my body is so exhausted. I just mostly feel full of heavy fuzz. Kinda like being hungover, my body is a strange and sickly warm, but without the headache. I have in fact been getting headaches at work though. These last three days have coerced me into buy Motrin liqui-gels, which I take before going to work. I can feel the headaches looming as soon as I wake up in the morning.

How is work? I finally made over 40hrs this week. Only by 2.5 hours I think, but still I'll be clearing 1k on my paycheck if next week goes as well. I worked with Jeff this Friday. Laboring for them is extra hard, I don't think I could labor for them full time though,not because the work is difficult, but because it's so hot out and we are on acreages so there is little shade. I almost passed out yesterday from the heat. I like that I can easily load and unload twenty or so 10ft, 50pnd steel drilling rods though. The only thing that sucked about it was that I had to carry them on my left shoulder, which is much weaker than my right, so now my left shoulder hurts. I don't know if it's from muscles growing or just the fact that I carried almost two thousand pounds of steel in one small area on my shoulder.

My mom came into town yesterday, she took Hitomi to the vet while I was at work. She's okay, she was throwing up because of the pain. She had a bruised stomach and her scrapes were painful. I feel awful about that, when I heard that I almost wanted to cry. Like come on Hayley, the cat just fell 6 floors, of course she'd be in pain, and you could have helped her by taking her to the vet sooner to get her pain meds. Stupid. I still feel responsible for what happened. I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't trust me with their animals again. I'm being too hard on myself I know, but that's just the way I feel about that. Poor kitty :(.

I told mom that I'm gay. She more brought it up herself. We were talking about (oh yeah!) how I'm related to Jeff, who I work with. His mom is Gary's aunt. So Gary is his cousin, and Gary is my sisters ex, who she has kids with. My mom and aunt both know Judy, Jeff's mom. Anyways, she said, "Now they'll give you a raise and baby you and you can flirt with the guys because your practically family. haha." And I replied "uhm.. no." And she said "right you ARE one of the guys." then it went something along the lines of her just saying straight up that she feels more comfortable with the idea because she couldn't stand the thought of me being with a guy. Then I said, "yeah, girls are much nicer anyways." Then we talked about how most of my friends were girls and how she knew a long time ago. She said she would have preferred I'd been more open about it and I told her I just wasn't 100% before. Then she asked about Tara and Jake, because they all ask about Tara and Jake. I told her that Tara and Jake have known each other for a really long time. And then she asked where Marissa fit into all this and I told her that we weren't really talking anymore because of everything. 

I've been having really intense dreams about Marissa these past three nights. They all consist of her being really upset, crying to me and telling me she's sorry. Sometimes she cries and tells me she can't deal with anything anymore. She tells me she needs me. It's scares me, I don't know how to help her in these dreams, I try to tell her I'm sorry as well, and that I lover her, but I can't speak, so I just stand there and hug her and let her cry. Sometimes I can't get to her, and it's like she's behind glass or something. I feel so useless and then I get this devastated feeling that washes over me and I wake up almost in tears. I feel like I should text her and ask her if she's okay, but I don't know if she wants to talk to me at all. I keep asking Carys, Jake and Tara if I should talk to her and they say it's probably not a good idea. I don't know what to do.

When I got paid on Thursday, I almost bought a round trip to Vancouver, Brian said we weren't working until Monday, then I thought about it a little more. Not rational at all. I got so manic about it so suddenly. Then I ended up working Friday anyways.

Anyways, I'm sitting outside on Heathers step, on B's computer. It's sunny out, and the front of the house is shady. I'm drinking a cup of earl gray tea, and listening to African music while Tanya does aerobics on the lawn. I slept for 5 hours and feel that heavy fuzz, though it's dissipating. I think it's getting blown away with the little white pollen fluffs that are floating effortlessly through the air. I was sickly warm when I woke up, and still am when I go inside. There is a light breeze out here that's keeping my temp in check. I'm waiting for my mother to come and get me so we can go to Value Village and find me some work clothes. Then I might try and convince her that we should go hang out at the ledge. Then we have a movie tonight, and I'll possibly get to see Tim tonight. He got in at about 3 am this morning.

Well, I think that was an adequate blog entry.

-Where do all the lovers, meet with one another?-

Look what you've missed, living like this, nobody wins.

Since then, I am because you are.
Since then you are, I am, we are.
& through love I will be,
you will be,
we'll be.

Last night was fun, I went home for awhile and made sure Hitomi was okay (She fell 6 floors off my balcony the previous night -.-;), then I vacuumed the house and headed back over to Heathers. I had tea with her and she showed me this collection of buttons she has. Then we went on a Husky mish and got chips and juice. We took the long way home and took pictures of flowers in peoples yards. I grabbed some chives that were growing on the side of the road, they weren't as tasty as they could have been. We got back and then it was suddenly 10:30, so I headed off to bed. I slept in Heathers room again because Ken was doing stuff on B's computer that involved loud music. I texted Tara pretty much the entire night. We didn't go to work until 9, I work with Jeff tomorrow, and then I don't work until Monday. I'm on my way to go meet Nezi for sushi tonight. I'll update later or tomorrow.

I must have done something good to meet you.

Ugh.

So many amazing and sad things are happening. I'll update later. Too lazy right now. 

EDIT/UPDATE:

Well lets see, Friday night was Jake and Tara's going away party. I stayed up until about 3 am, lots and lots and lots of people were there. I got up at 6 am because I had to leave for work at 7:30. I said goodbye to Tara, and then to Jake. It was so sad. I worked for 9 hours in the hot sun on three hours of sleep and recouping from partying. Thankfully I was put to work with the other group, Jeff and Maddie. Jeff let me sleep when I there wasn't anything for me to do. I went home, fell asleep at 7:30, and then woke up at 7:45 am, and started crying. I had gotten a text from Tara, Jake and Heather. Heather had asked me if I was coming back to the house that night, Tara told me that Dbubbz was in Red Deer, which made me cry because it meant that I could have seen her again before she left. Jake was just telling me that he was going to miss me. I cried for about an hour, while texting everyone back and then pulled myself together and went back to sleep until 11:30. I then got up, met Sam for tea and a talk, went home at 4 ish, did the dishes and then went over to Heathers. I made my lunch and then fell asleep in her bed. She came home around 11:30. I woke up, went to work and texted Tara all day. They both got new numbers and they found a place to live already. It sounds quite amazing. It has a pool, a greenhouse, a koi pond, a garden and it's all green and foliagey. I'm really excited to go see it. I can't wait. 

I was really depressed on Saturday and Sunday, but when Tara told me all about the place they got and all the wonderful things they have been doing, I felt much better. I felt happy. I FEEL happy. Last night, when I called her, they were on their way to Rec Beach. I got a text from Jake around 11 pm that night (10 pm their time) and it contained a picture of Tara, Nessy & Dominique(?) all running on the beach. In the background you can see oranges and yellows that fade up into a dark blue. You can see clouds and a mountain far away, and then silhouettes of all three of them. It was so pretty. It made me severely nostalgic for my Kaslo life though. I miss my horse too. I feel sick to my stomach when I think to deeply about how much I miss her. I emailed Fiona yesterday, but she hasn't gotten back to me yet.

Work is going well, I haven't worked a day under 8 hours this week. I get paid tomorrow. I'm going to send Fiona $300, and then depending on how much I make, pay my phone bill for next month and buy a return ticket from Vancouver. The ticket is actually the first thing I'll buy.

Tara just sent me a text telling me about their adventures on Hornby Island! They went to the beach and found sea shells, napped in the forest and walked along the cliffs. THey have fresh prawns and Noodles and are going to the beach to make a bonfire. She then sent me a picture of Jake on the rocks by the ocean. 

-The time is now. The world will change. The love we have is here to stay.-

Every cloud has a silver lining, right?

I need to get better at blogging. I was reading some of my first posts and I realized that I had much more time than I do now. Therefore, the older posts are a little more detailed. 

So, here goes a general outline of whats been happening lately in all area's of my life.

Work: I have a new job working with Darkbubblz as a laborer for Burbank directional drilling. How that came about: Brandon was working with Darkbubblz and then went  to kootenany and they fired him. I asked DBubbz if they needed a laborer and he hired me. Tara was really sad about it, she was there for the conversation. She got upset because we would have less time to spend together. It isn't as bad as I thought it would be. I still see her everyday. It's been two weeks, I'm still super stoked to work all the time, though today I was pretty crabby. My back was sore, my wisdom tooth was sore, my face is sun burnt, I was tired and we were late this morning. We did get in an 8 hour day though, which is a nice change from the 6.5's we started the week off with.

Play: I haven't been out to the bar/club since... Shane's birthday. Wow. I haven't really been doing a whole lot of anything except spending time with Tara. There was a party at B's about 3 weeks back. I did mdma and hung out with the gang. I went on a mission with Tanya to the park, we kicked cans off a set of steps. It was funny because she ran ahead of me, set them up and then yelled "HAYLEY" and I already knew what to do, we counted to three and kicked them simultaneously. We then walked around the block and picked tulips from people's gardens. Keep in mind, it was about 4 am, and light out. We got super paranoid and headed back to B's through the alleyway, and when we emerged onto the street, there was a cop car. We both froze, turned, I threw the flowers under a truck and then we booked it back up the alley and the cop car ripped up the street, so we ran back up the alley thinking they were going to intersect us at the other end, I grabbed as many flowers as I could and stuffed them into my hoodie. I walked all the way back to B's looking quite guilty. The cops weren't even coming after us. It was funny because we were both super paranoid. When we got back, I gave the flowers to Tara and was quite pleased to learn that I grabbed the only daffodil we had picked.
We've gone to Bonnie Doon pool a couple of times with people.

Family: I have seen a bit of my family recently. I haven't seen or heard from Shane for a long time. Dana moved, her bed is in my bedroom and some of her stuff is randomly scattered in our house and Shane's. She isn't around much, but neither am I. She had a stressful move. Everything was last minute and unorganized. Mom's doing well. I only see her every 10 days.  Cheyenne's go Gary problems that she's dealing with quite well. I told Dana and Cheyenne about Tara. Dana hasn't really said anything. Cheyenne's been more supportive, I told her last night though. My aunt is up in slave lake for the next 8 days.

Friends: Honestly, the only people I've seen are Jake, Tara, Brandon, Dark Bubblz, Heather and Josh. I saw Tanya briefly the other night at Heathers when she crawled into bed with me after they were partying. I tried to make plans with Nezi, but work got in the way and I ended up bailing. I've seen Carys a few times, but also briefly. 

Thats all really. I've lost the enthusiasm of updating my blog.


I wish you would stay, I don't want to deal with this

Darkbubblz and the Ditch Witch.

Work is going well. We didn't work Tuesday due to the rain making everything extremely sticky. Wednesday was a good work day. We finished 5 drops, 3 of them were only pulls, which is when we only have to pull the cable through and not drill another hole for a separate line, and the other 2 were quick straight drills. I'm learning lots about the directional drill machine. Darkbubbz is teaching me quite a bit. I've made $350 in 3 days. Pretty good. I'm finally not super tired after work. I should probably explain exactly what it is I do. I'm a laborer for a directional drilling company that's contracted under Shaw. We go out to all the newly built suburbds and replace/fix the broken underground cables. It's interesting.

 Tara has been quite stressed out as of late. It's understandable, both Jake and Tara are going through a shit ton of stuff right now. I just wish I could help them out with everything. I guess the only way to be any help is just be there for them when they need someone?

It doesn't feel like enough.

It doesn't feel like me anymore.