Oh good earth! Sleep is such a wonderful thing. I swear, when I get even 7 hours in for a night or two, my entire outlook on life is changed. I'm more positive, more upbeat and I feel like making healthier life choices. The night before last I got 10 hours of sleep, and it made the 6 last night bearable. I wish I wasn't so sensitive to everything. Yes, everything. I'm sensitive to everything emotional, physical and mental. Even spiritual. At the same time though, I don't know if I'd like not being so sensitive to everything. I think being desensitized to so many things would make things much harder in life. I wouldn't take care of myself as much. Not that I do that anyways. :/ huh.
At work today, there was this boy sitting out on the sidewalk. He was mentally.. uhh deficit? He sat there, on the curb the entire 6 hours we were working. He talked to himself and played with his sandal, but mostly he just watched what were doing. It made me think about how much we miss in our busy lives. That boy probably saw and learned more than anyone on that block, just by sitting and observing. I want to be able to observe my surroundings more intricately.
At work today, there was this boy sitting out on the sidewalk. He was mentally.. uhh deficit? He sat there, on the curb the entire 6 hours we were working. He talked to himself and played with his sandal, but mostly he just watched what were doing. It made me think about how much we miss in our busy lives. That boy probably saw and learned more than anyone on that block, just by sitting and observing. I want to be able to observe my surroundings more intricately.
This urge to be out in nature gets stronger every year. I would be so alright with just peacing up to the Kootenays and climbing a mountain, building a shelter and living there forever. I would get a horse, a dog and a garden. Grow all my own food, catch fresh fish. None of this fast food, and refrigerated bullshit, no cell phones, no cars, no iPods and computers. No packages, no waste. Back to basics. My heart aches for the most basic living. Rivers, trees, brush, dirt, bugs, fresh berries, chipmunks, birds, fires, glacier water. When I think of all these things, I get this tight feeling in my chest, like I can't breathe. I want to be out there, where I belong. So badly. I don't want to be a part of this fucked up society. I don't want all my actions to continuously be a danger to the earth, to the future of everyone. I don't want to be a part of the anger, the rush, the frantic panic and worry. I want to be at peace with everything and live off the land and love the land. I guess I want to be an ultra hippy.
So why don't I just go?
I don't want to do it alone.
I want my mother, and my sisters and my brother and my friends to be out there with me. I want them all to experience the way the earth meant for us to live. I don't want to do it alone, but I might have to.
I don't want to do it alone.
I want my mother, and my sisters and my brother and my friends to be out there with me. I want them all to experience the way the earth meant for us to live. I don't want to do it alone, but I might have to.
Last night, I was all alone in the house. I went to sleep at 10:30 and woke up at 11:30 screaming "I don't want to die, It isn't fair." I had been crying apparently and fretting about death. I wish this would stop. It's so stressful, and completely involuntary. it used to happen when I went crazy in 6 mile, and when I was stressed out about school and stuff, but now it happens whenever I'm alone. During the day, I don't worry about death. I know it's nothing I can change. It's a part of everything. So I don't understand why this happens. It always happens when there is no one else around. Except for that one time I woke up screaming and Carys heard me and came running into the bedroom.
Oh good earth. One day you and I will be together in a more powerful way. For now, I will live in this messed up civilization and be a person.
-Why can't I speak to you? I want to come home, I want to come home.-
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