Hi-ho hi-ho...

It's off to work I go.

Or went.

Woke up at 6:30, ate an amazing breakfast, got picked up and driven to work. Removed some bricks, dug out some gravel, dug out some clay, baled some water, got very, very dirty, got stuck in some soupy dirt that appeared to be drier than it was, measured some pipe, fed some pipe, watched Darkbubblz work the drill machine, learnt about the drill machine, replaced the clay, replaced the gravel, tried to replace the bricks, failed, swept the mess, shoveled some rocks, packed up and went home. I did all this with a smile on my face. I love hard work.

<33

That cold black cloud is coming down...

Feels like I'm knocking on heavens door. 

Work was not very fun at all. We're done now though. I'm starting a new job tomorrow with Sean. I heard words like 'directional drilling, holes, digging'. Sounds like my kinda work. Following close behind were phrases like '6 days a week, over 10 hrs a day, time and a half after 8 hrs, all at $14 an hour.' My brain calculated that I'll be clearing 1 k a week. At 4 weeks per month, and at least 3 months, that will work out to 12k. After taxes, and my rent/phone bill/food I'll hopefully have saved at least 7k. Because then I plan on moving down to Vancouver at the end of the summer.

Tara has agreed to open a joint savings account with me. I am quite thrilled actually. I like those kinds of things, it makes it easier for me to actually save my money and not go off and blow it on all my friends and alcohol.

Everyone's been very stressed out lately. It's hard to stay positive when it feels like there are shards of glass and concrete scraping the through the already explosive and touchy electricity in the air. I've slipped up a few times here and there, and it's had serious consequences. I'm trying really hard though. I keep reminding myself about how much shit everyone is dealing with and that I have nothing to do with it. All I really want is to help everyone deal with their stress.

Everything is wrong regarding the timing of things. I wish she wasn't leaving in 12 days. I wish I could leave with her. If I had the chance to go back to the day she told me she liked me, I wouldn't change anything. I'm happier than I've been in a really long time, and that's really all that matters. 

<3

The full moon is going to get me high.

I've been spending a lot of my time with someone. And when I say a lot, I mean that I've been around this person pretty much everyday since May 10th. I think I've probably had about 3 days total that I haven't been with her. 

No, it's not Marissa.

Things with Marissa are bad. Since the whole mess up on my part, things haven't been the same. She tried though, she invited me over twice to hang out. I bailed the second time and then things just got worse. Tara and I are mostly why Mar is so angry at me. We've been really close as I previously stated. Marissa feels really slighted. It's understandable. I mean she's known them for 3 years and I've been here 3 months and I've wormed my way into their lives so easily. Even I feel a little bad about it. I've gotten to the point where I don't even want to make an effort regarding our friendship though. She won't talk to me about anything and continues to be aggressive and make violent gestures towards me. I'm tired of having this happen and not know why. I was going to give her an option, to open up, talk to me and I would try my hardest to save what was left of our friendship or I was going to stop all together and put my energy somewhere else. Yesterday, I chose option B. When I see her again, I'm going to calmly explain my decision and leave it at that. 

I keep feeling up and down about my decision. I feel bad and then I don't care. I dunno. I'm just unsure about a lot of things right now. The full moon isn't helping with anything. I keep thinking stupid and silly thoughts about everything. My paranoia is through the roof. 

I went camping with Tara, Jake, Marissa, Nessy, Josh and Lukey this past weekend. We didn't really have a solid plan except that we were going to Drumheller for a night and a day and then towards the mountains to camp for the next 4 days. It was really cool. We left the city really late. Marissa and Tara left to go pickup Nessy in Calgary and I waited for Jake to get off work. We ended up leaving the city by 8. We arrived in Drumheller about 11 and got to the campsite about 11:45 ish. We didn't stay up for very long, and we up and about early that morning. Tara and I went on a quick little mish up to the top of this hill that had a Canadian flag on the top. 

I've never been to the badlands. It was really pretty and amazing. There was sage everywhere and it was relatively warm out. It's so different, the landscape, from anything I've seen before. I want to go back and stay for longer.

Anyways, we went to the Hoodoo's, the suspension bridge, and the coal mine/abandoned mining town and then we went to the Dinosaur Museum. It was really amazing. These types of things blow my mind. I can't comprehend them. I can't believe them. Dinosaurs are badass. We were all really tired, and hungry and crabby but we headed out towards Canmore at about 2 pm. The drive was filled with anticipation. The mountains crested the horizon and I forgot to alert Tara to the turn off onto the highway. 

I felt like crying and screaming and laughing the closer we got to the mountains. I asked myself multiple times what was stopping me from just sticking out my thumb and hitching home. I didn't though. We arrived in Canmore with no plan and no campsite reserved or anything. It was leaning on 7pm. Someone mentioned Spray lakes and I recalled reading up on Spray lakes while waiting at Brandon's for Jake. We went out there and luckily found us a nice spot. 

Alberta camping is such a queer thing. You need to pay for this and that, pay for the campsite, pay for firewood. It's really strange. I'm so used to just going out, pitching a tent and going into the bush and picking up logs for wood. And water, you get from a lake or a stream. No we bought a water purifier for almost $100. I mean that I understand, I wouldn't drink lake/stream water from anywhere in Alberta. 

We got to Spray lakes. It was beautiful and frozen. The temperature wasn't preferable but we dealt with it anyways. The nights were cold, and we went into town pretty much everyday. The third day out on Spray lakes, we went out for a hike up Mount Indefatigable, also known as Mt. Fatty. That was something else. It was a moderate climb according to the book, I now have a new respect for the word 'moderate'. It was well worth it though. We reached snow and had to stop about 3 ish hours in. I hunted a quail on the way up with no success. We had a small picnic lunch when we reached the top and continued on our merry way, back down Mt. fatty. I hunted the same quail in the same spot, again with no success. 

I felt so funny on the way down, lighter and at the same time, the more we descended, the heavier I felt. By the bottom of the trail, I didn't want to leave. We returned to the campsite and were accosted ( not literally) by some rednecks, beer wielding girls from the campsite next to us. They invited us over but we declined, proclaiming that we were much too tired.

Monday, we packed up and headed out. Stopped in Banff for a soak in the Hot Springs and then carried on our way, the scenic route, home. We didn't end up getting home until about 11 or 12pm. The next morning, at about 4am, Mar, Tara and I all had to go to work. It was awesome.

Tonight is the full moon. It's messing with me pretty badly because I haven't been keeping up with any of my energy work. Lets hope this blows over well.

It'll never lie to you.

 I need to get a hold of my self.
Maybe it's because I'm sick, but suddenly I'm afraid.
Scared of losing things. I'm so sad at the thought of people coming and going.
Change.
I don't want it. I like things the way they are.
The way they were. I know it's too soon, but I don't feel like I fit in.
Things will change.
I know change is inevitable. Everything is always changing. Always different.
My life feels like it's in a thousand different pieces and I'm trying to tie them all together,
but they keep slipping apart.
I feel like crying but there is no reason for it.
I want to scream and I don't know why.
Something is missing, I'm not sure what.
I want things to be simple. Level. Calm.

Can you hear your heartbeat? It will never lie to you.

And since then, my life has changed. Just as I expected. People are coming and people are going. I can say that I'm happy where I am though. Very happy. I feel loved, and loving. That is all I'm going to say right now, partially because I'm tired, and partially because no one really needs to know anything else.

There's nothing changing, thats a lie.

My life is strange.

And I mean that in the best of ways. 

I can't even begin to understand life and it's curiosities.

Love, an emotion, is one of these things I wonder about.
My life is strange.
Loveless?

I like a lot of things, a lot of people.

Have I ever really loved any of them?

I suppose I could say I love horses. I feel so level around them. 

I can confide my truths and fears to them, and shed my tears upon their skin.
They don't judge. They don't tell me wrong or right.
I feel no hatred for them at any time.
They bring me comfort and peace without doing anything at all.

I guess that's love.
 My life is strange. 

Now we'll get to actual blogging. I got back yesterday from another Slave Lake trip. Kira didn't make it this time. We had to do the cheese section and then had to stop halfway through because we had to wait for Jamie the Manager who never ended up coming. Anyways, we worked for 13.5 hours that day. Then we got our hotel room, and proceeded out to BP's for dinner. There wasn't much else to choose from. We ate our foods and then went back to the hotel room. I was introduced to Katie, Tara and Mar's friend. She hung out with us for awhile while we watched Skins. She left and then we went to sleep. Woke up at 5:30 am, ate breakfast and continued to work. We finished at around noon, went to subway for lunch and then drove all the way home. We got back around 5 ish. I fell asleep at about 7:30, woke up with a giant headache at 6 am, and then went back to sleep until 10. I have some plans with people today. Like tea, and dinner and swimming at 10-12. I need to clean my house thought right now. Ciao.

No Logic.

Well, another recap is in the books isn't it. Uhm I left off April 6th, but it was vague.

 I was in Red Deer for Easter with Amber and Cheyenne and the kids. 

That was lots of fun. I enjoyed spending time with the kids and family. 

 I hooked up with Vida and we went out to Sylvan Lake to visit Rosie. It was really weird, I felt like it hadn't been that long since I last saw her, but it really had been a long time.

I got back home on the 8th or something. Mom came in and we went out to look for a place to live. We ended up getting approved by boardwalk center, which is the same building Jake, Tara and Cass.

I made some bad choices previously and they came back to bite me in the ass. I failed a little and don't want to mention anything else about that.

Moved in by the 11th, and then suddenly it was my birthday. I started on Thursday. Tanya and I met up with Jazz and some of her friends. We went down to Eden and then over to Level 2. I had fun, danced a little and drank a little. Had a pretty quiet night in terms of starting the partying. Friday night I went out to the starlite for Sonata Arctica. Fuckme. That was a fun fun night. I met Shane at Marin's. Then Shane, Marin, and I got a ride to the starlite with Dana. She had to go play pool though so she dropped us off. Marin got me an open tab and bought me a powerglove hoodie and cd (signed!). I found Nezi downstairs at Brixx after the show, but she left soon after. Shane and Melanie were quite drunk and drug me to 'The Bakery' so they could eat some food. Then I cabbed home. Saturday Cheyenne and Gary came with the kids. I went down to the river with Carys, Cass, Tanya, Jake, Tara and Brandon. I had Tyler with me. We ate veggie dogs, and chips and veggies and played with water balloons and hoops. Then we walked to the husky and got slushies and drinks because it was so warm out. That evening, Cheyenne took me and the kids out to the Royal Fork Buffet. That was delish. The selection was amazing and they had a nice spread. That night I went out to New City with Carys and met up with Nezi and Dave. I partied hard, danced even harder and then went to Daves with a group of people after last call. I continued to party hard, and then stopped, slept and woke up extremely early to go home. I came back and lounged around with Sara and Sean, (new friends, yay) and then we went out for booster juice and burgers. Sunday night I attempted another night of mayhem. I went out to Buddies with Carla to watch a burlesque show but didn't even make it to midnight before I was to tired and called it a night.

I think that covered my birthday weekend.
We went to Slave Lake for 3 days that week. The weather was nice and we went down to the park to hoop. That Friday, I went out to Red Deer with the group (Jake, Tara, Marissa, Carys, B, Cass, Lain, Dylan, etc. etc.) We picked up Vida on our way there. I was feeling kind of sick due to my 4 day birthday. I got an ear infection around 3 in the morning and didn't sleep at all. I ended up calling mom and she drove out to Red Deer to pick me up. I slept through most of the day, Grandma and Cheyenne and the kids came and visited but I only saw them at dinner, which mom cooked for my birthday. The next day I was still out of comission. Deaf in my left ear, which was full of fluid that i could feel moving around, and stuffed up. I slept for most of Sunday as well. Mom left for work the following Monday and since then, not a whole lot has been goin on. I've been sick for a long time now, since the 19th. I'm only just getting better.

Tara, Jake and Cass all moved this weekend and I helped them move boxes and clean their apartment. Cass hurt his finger pretty bad and wasn't around for the cleaning.

I started a cleanse on the 28th, with Jake and Tara. It's crazy. I'm failing at self control already. It's been 6 days. I have another 10 to go. I got composting worms from Jen and I've been eating really really healthy and organic. I've also been a recycling nazi.

Living with my aunt is okay. She does some things that annoy me, but they are bearable. My room is almost all set up. I have a lot of stuff from Jake and Tara's move.

Now Im tired of recapping.