Struggle.

R.I.P Peter Pumpkin <3

I struggle.
I struggle with you.
To read what your eyes don't show.
To understand what your words don't say.

I struggle to comprehend how you feel.
To interpret what you mean to me.
I don't know what you want.
I can not.

I struggle.

-----------------------------------

I got promoted. Sean got fired, and then Brian quit. So now I'm learning how to drill. Haylet and the Ditch Witch. Not the same at all. I now don't have to worry about busing halfway across the city, and I don't have to feel like my co-worker hates me. I'm working with Maddy now. He's cool, we get along alright. I've been hydro-vaccing the last couple days. I've made almost $900 in the last 38 of my working hours.

I'm going to Shambhala. I'm leaving Tuesday, Aug. 3rd and coming home Sunday, Aug. 8. I need to sneak in a Kaslo visit. I dont think I'm allowed to leave the grounds and come back though.. so I might have to reconsider, with my ride costing $150, and the ticket $230, plus food... Maybe I'll just take the ride and say screw Shambles, and go riding for 4 days, and fall back in love with my friends and my home. Maybe I'll just shrug Edmonton off like a bad dream...

No, that's not going to happen, new things are starting here, my roots are beginning to take, and new possibilities are arising. I'm becoming a part of people's lives, I'm starting to become important again.

Yes, this does mean I'm not moving to Vancouver. I think.. that was a love blind, rushed decision. Like the place, it's pretty and in B.C., but it's still so much city. I would rather struggle with money in Kaslo, where I know I'd be okay sleeping on the beach, than in the city, where I could be hurt. It's obvious isn't it? I want to go home. I don't even care about anyone coming with me anymore. I want to go home. April. I'll go home for my 20th, be with my horse, who I am realizing is the only sentient being that I actually love with every fibre of my entity, and start up my photography again. I'll go home for my 20th, and be happy again. 

Mom's bringing home a kitten on Thursday. I've already named it. Apparently it looks like a Siamese with a white bib/belly. He's 5 weeks old and was found in mom's friend yard in a piece of conduit pipe. They found him a couple days ago, and he just yesterday recovered from shock.

His name will be Ines.

I'm so done.

I'm so flustered in my head. Some days, I couldn't be more happy with things, and then some days I think about them too much, I pick them apart and find and mark all the imperfections, the mars; scratches and dents. Flaws. I fluctuate too much. Maybe I should start taking Dextrin.

Fuck. What do I do?
I want you to love me as much as I love you. I understand that you can't though, and you won't.
Im scared, and sad. So terribly sad. 

I miss you, and I miss my old friends.
I want to see my horse so bad.

I want to be at peace with myself, sitting on top of a mountain watching the sun crest the horizon. I want to feel the earths energy ripping through me while I meditate and those golden rays kiss my skin. I want to be breathless by the beauty of the mountains that protect me. I need you to experience these things with me because I know your an amazing individual and I want to share these magical moments with you.

I want to be happy again because I think, right now, I'm lying to myself.
 

I'm living a big lie.

I feel sick.

Sometimes I forget about this picture. I made it so long ago, I can't even fathom making something like this on this old computer. This was even before I contemplated the idea that I was gay. Way before. I remember I was going to put it on shirts and flags and sell them at the pride festival in Nelson.

Im feeling kinda lost. A bit torn. I feel like now is the time that I need to do things, while I'm not too young, and before I'm to old. I feel like I need to be free from anything, and go do things for a year or two. I think maybe I'm feeling kinda trapped down. Stuck.

I need to get out.

Whatever you do, don't fall down...

..cause that would break my fucking heart

"Vancouver, hey?"
"Yeah, lets go to Vancouver"

I'm getting so tired...

..of walking around with this love so blind.
I'm tired. And cranky, and I just wish you would call me so I could stop worrying and go to sleep.

|-*-|

And dear Bon Jovi, why the fuck do you have to have your concert at the stadium tonight?

I hate you.

Asshole.

\\

I can't wait for Vida to get here tomorrow. Will my heart light on fire again? Will I recall just how much I love that silly girl? I hope I don't get upset when she leaves, I hate randomly crying in the shower. 

// 

Stupid heart.

Make up my mind.

"Well, quite being such a jerk."

Imagine your son coming up to you crying, he's probably about 5 yrs old. He says to you, tears running down his face, "she ate all my jello." You ask "who?" and he says "my sister." You look at him and in all seriousness you say to him, "Oh yeah, sure she did." You get a tone in your voice. He reassures you that she did. "Yes, she did" he cries and you look at him and say, "Well, maybe you should quite being such a jerk."

People like this make me want to throw up. I heard all this while digging a catch hole outside her house. I wanted to walk in there and take that little boy by the hand, tell the woman she was sick, and leave with him. He didn't deserve that. I can only imagine that it will continue too. Who know what other horrible things might happen to those kids.

I finally came home for the night. It's weird, only because it feels exactly how it is. Like I haven't been here in a long long time. For some reason, after doing Molly with Heather, and adventuring all over the place, I had this urge to come home, and stay here. I think I want to bring all my stuff home, and be home again. I haven't even started watching my lost season 5 yet, or played fallout 3, and I bought them like 3 months ago. Last night I played Assassin's Creed until my headache got to be too much. I don't work today either so I'm going to play some more AC and then start watching Lost though seasons 1-5. Then I'm going to go back to Heathers, pack up all my stuff and come home. I feel like I could be myself again here. I don't know who I am over there. I'm definitely not Hayley. I don't do the things I enjoy there and I am surrounded by people I shouldn't be. As much as I love them, I don't think they are good for me.

P.S

-I miss you so much <3-

What rushes into my heart and my skull.

|I can't control, what rushes into my heart and my skull.|

I just got back from Vancouver. I forgot to mention that somewhere in my previous entries. That I was going down there. I think I was so caught up in how much I'd rather be going home, that I forgot to say something. That over powering feeling is gone now, the feeling to 'get back to basics'. It subsided upon my return home. Now I just want to go to Vancouver. I bought a round trip for $401. I think that was pretty good. I was quite nervous to get on the plane. I was organized though, ready to go. I had two carry on bags and that's all. Mom was in, her, Adrian, her new boyfriend and my aunt all drove me there and said goodbye at the gate with me. I rescued a little bird out of the pedway. He kept smashing into the windows and getting steadily more confused so I caught him and let him free. I got into the terminal and we ate some food. I left mom and them at the gate. I was pretty nervous. Multiple times I had to remind myself what was at the end of this potentially scary adventure in order not to start freaking out. Darkbubblez sent tea with me, and they got all suspicious that it was drugs, so they made me take it out and asked me about three times if it was really tea. I was a little unimpressed.

I boarded the plane. I sat by the window seat, on the wing. These really tooly Ed Hardy preps sat in the seats next to me. They were rude, so I put my headphones on and pretended they didn't exist. Then, the plane took off. It was wonderful amounts of fun. I love airplanes. I was super tired when I got to their place, which is wonderful. It's cute and old and amazing. They drug me out to Brittany's where I had an asthma attack, a grumpy disposition and overall rough night. We stayed there until 2 am (3 am Edmonton time). Not that bad for someone who stays up late regularly. I haven't stayed up past 11 pm for the past 3 weeks. So, 3 am was really pushing it. I worked that previous morning too, and just went on a plane for the first time ever. Long day. We got back to the house and I went to sleep. I woke up at 6:30 am, went for a walk to the river, sketched the river and talked to mom. I came back at 9, to find everyone still fast asleep. So I left on another mission, on which I found a demolished building and many old, dilapidated boats. I began to build myself a castle, and then got tired and paranoid of that. I walked back down to the house and woke everyone up.

We got ourselves together and then I was introduced to the ocean. It's quite salty and fierce. I collected a bunch of shells and things, like a tourist would. I have a large amount of respect for large bodies of water. I wonder if it has to do with my fire sign. I will never take the power of water for granted and therefore I am careful around it. I become almost humbled by it's strength. I want to experience an extreme storm while standing on the shores of the ocean. The power would be mind blowing. Shows of natures power make me so happy, excited, fearful and amazed, they make me feel so alive. I love it. We stopped at El Taco on Davies st. and then went to Granville Island to eat our yummy burrito's. I got a strange and random abdominal pain so we left and went home. Jake parents flew in that evening and so we went and picked them up. Then they went to their hotel room and I called Syd and Lisa who happened to be in Vancouver and then I met up with them. This adventure led me on a bus down Hastings. O.M.G. Sketchy. Thankfully my stop was at the far end, where all the homeless people and drug addicts were not. I hung out with Syd and Lisa for an hour and a bit, Steven also showed up. It was lovely seeing them again. I left and adventured back to Jake and Tara's place.

The next day was full of yard work. everyone pitched in, including Jakes parents. I cleaned the Koi pond, which was quite the job. I'm not going to get into it. It took all day. That night we, Jake, Tara, Dominique, Cass, Lain, Carol, Neil and I all went out for all you can eat sushi. It was soo wonderful.

I love Vancouver at night, it's pretty. There are so many beautiful buildings and so much new architecture. It's chalk full of local and organic food stores and so many cool little trinket shops. Tara showed me this store on commercial called Paranada. It's exactly like this little store in Nelson, which I've unfortunately forgotten the name of. It reminded me of Still Eagle because when you walk in, it smells like amber resins, which is exactly what Still Eagle smells like. We stopped in this little Italian bakery and got some sweets. She also took me to this organic cafe/bakery that was attached to an organic food store. This place pulled up memories of Sunnyside, but they were brief and nothing in the store was really like Sunnyside. I found some licorice root sticks though, and they opened floodgates of memories related to Kaslo.

Then we went out to the Naam.
Now, imagine good vegetarian food, available 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week, and at a low cost. Imagine more choice than you could imagine when you think vegetarian. Now put that all together, and stick a dark, romantic setting with a patio covered in grape vines, and you have 'The Naam'. Fucking brilliant. I had a veggie burrito, with guacamole instead of sour cream and yogurt, it was huuuge. And the side salad was just as big. I also ordered chips and salsa, which was nummy as well. Most amazingly, and probably what made me fall completely in love with the place is that they offered inca. No one really knows what inca is, except Kaslo kids for some reason, and even then I think only Robin, the twins, Margie, Ren, the ladies at Sunnyside and I drink it or know of it's existence. Dinner was fantastic and oh my, so delicious! After stuffing ourselves silly on wonderful and healthy food, we headed out for gelato. 218 different flavors. I ended up with raspberry lemonade sorbet. Tangy and yummy. We got back to the house and Cass and I went out to the river and played with his Bow and Arrows that he had made. That was lots of fun, I was feeling kinda sad that I had to get up and leave so early and hanging out with Cass lifted my spirits.

I got all my stuff ready to go, woke up at 5 am on Monday morning, and left for the airport, said goodbye, and flew home.

I could definitely live in Vancouver.  That's the end of that recap, I'll get back to emotional things tomorrow or sometime in the future. I must write about the woman and what she called her son.