July 22, 2010

I'm so done.

I'm so flustered in my head. Some days, I couldn't be more happy with things, and then some days I think about them too much, I pick them apart and find and mark all the imperfections, the mars; scratches and dents. Flaws. I fluctuate too much. Maybe I should start taking Dextrin.

Fuck. What do I do?
I want you to love me as much as I love you. I understand that you can't though, and you won't.
Im scared, and sad. So terribly sad. 
I miss you, and I miss my old friends.
I want to see my horse so bad.

I want to be at peace with myself, sitting on top of a mountain watching the sun crest the horizon. I want to feel the earths energy ripping through me while I meditate and those golden rays kiss my skin. I want to be breathless by the beauty of the mountains that protect me. I need you to experience these things with me because I know your an amazing individual and I want to share these magical moments with you.

I want to be happy again because I think, right now, I'm lying to myself.
 


I'm living a big lie.

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