Can you please

explain to yourself what exactly you hoped to do with the blog you posted last night?
You're an idiot!

 And Mr. B, You've almost got me convinced to burn the book. But my stupidity is outrageous, therefore I shall continue to read you.

I would like a tea. Preferably in a cauldron. Thanks.

Today was decent. Got up at 10, had coffee, and got ready. Then we went out and did what we had to do, then we went and packed the rest of Dana's stuff from the apartment, and that was pretty much most of my day.

D cooked brown rice, pork tenderloin and braised carrots and red pepper. It was delicious.

This is so stupid. I'm stupid.
I worry about stupid little things, they eat me, slowly. Like maggots on a dead rotting body. They pick and squirm and chew. Slowly tearing down my walls of hard built self trust.
I become unsure of myself, and therefore others.

That's not fair to them.
Not fair to her.

What is it, you ask, that is bothering me? What are my maggots?
(If you're reading this Kat, I apologize in advance.)

I know I flirt with my friends, you've made that clear to me.
And tonight, sitting here on the computer with a double screwdriver by my side,
I've felt the consequences of my actions.
I've got a taste of my own medicine. But really it's not like I try to be flirty with them to hurt you.

Just somehow, just a few moments ago, I became very uncertain. I thought about some things you've said to me, shown me. Some things I've heard. And just for a second, I let myself think in your shoes. For a brief moment I removed myself and stared into my own life from another aspect. I placed you in my position.
Shamelessly flirting with your friends. 

And I was genuinely shaken.

In that moment, that I pictured you calling some other girl beautiful, and making innocent gestures, I became scared and sad. Then angry. I felt my chest close up and my breathing tighten.

The fear is selfish really, the mere thought that perhaps you don't actually like me as much as I want you to was awful. It really scared me. And I feel selfish for saying it because you can't love me every second of every day. Can you?

Do not think for one second that I am saying this is how you made me feel. I'm not saying your flirting with anyone, I'm not saying that you did anything to make me feel like this. I'm trying to say that I realized that this is how I made you feel, and I'm only just realizing how fucking awful it was.

I only felt this for about 10 minutes, it's over as I type this, but I just thought you should know.

That being said, I want to apologize sincerely. I want to dig deep down into the center of my own heart and rip the very meaning of 'sorry' out and hand it to you on a golden platter. 

I love you, and I don't ever want to fuck this up.

Sleep well.

<3

And if you save yourself, you will make him happy.

Kat works for the insulating union. She's almost got enough hours for schooling and she really wants to get her Journeyman ticket.
If Kat goes to work out in Fort McMurray, she can half the time it will take her to get that ticket.
If she went, she would leave after school, in April or May.

I think I'm going with her.

I mean, why not? I moved to the city to make money, and be with family. There is more potential in Fort Mac. I can get a trade, and make money.
Also, it's an adventure. Even if things were to go sour between Kat and I, this wouldn't be such a bad move. I feel like I need to get out and do something for a bit, take a chance or two, make some mistakes.

I don't know.

Kat and I picked up two kittens the other day, Seth and Madison. They are really cute. 8 weeks old. Tabbys.

I'm really happy with them.

Seth is a momma's boy and Madison is a little rebel kitten.

I'm in Fort Mac right now, came for a quick visit, and to take a peek around. See what I'm getting into.

I'll update later.

Bury all your secrets in my skin....

---Come away with innocence
And leave me with my sins
The air around me still feels like a cage
Love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again.---

So, Tara flew up to Edmonton. Stayed at my house with Brandon. Then my step dad walked in and found them doing exactly what I asked them not to do. The house was a mess, and they hadn't kept things to my bedroom, that should have been kept in my room. My mother caught wind, and kindly asked me to tell them to leave. So I did. Tara and Brandon then told me that I wasn't being fair, and that I owed it to them. They forgot that they had been at my house, using my water, power, heat, and internet and sleeping in my bed. Anyways, I was stuck up in Fort Mac, working 24 straight days, freaking out about people being in my house, when Tara informed me that I had no power over where the keys were going. "That's not how this is going to work Haylee." I lost it.

It wouldn't have been so bad, had I not learned the day before that Ben Walker had died two months previously. Then my mother called me, a day or two after everything regarding my house keys was sorted out, to tell me that Ginger had kitty cancer, and it was really bad. Mom got her put down, and cremated. Oui and Pixie were really awesome, and visited mom while I was away. They really freaking rock my world. I got home on November 10th worked the 11th and then was finally done work.

My mother had made me a polar bear costume for Halloween. And when I returned, I wore it. I wore it out to the creepshow on Friday, at New City, I named it Wynn Awh Sum. Let me tell you something, puppies don't work anymore. Polar bear costumes, fucking haul the ladies in.

 

I took Wynn out a few more times. I partied it up, applied for EI and just enjoyed Mike and Pixies company. The weekend after the weekend of my return, Mom, Shane and I all went to the mall. Mom lost her car keys and we were stuck at the mall until Jen came to the rescue. (Thanks again, Jen!) We went home, and Shane and I contemplated going out to the free Cygnets show at The Pawn Shop. We weren't going to because we were tired from the days event's but I wanted to take Wynn out again. 

So we went.

And I'm so happy I did. 

I saw Melanie, and Jen and a few other people when I got there, which was a huge adventure in itself. I walked down Whyte with Shane and was consistently swarmed with girls who for some reason were terribly under dressed for the weather. Anyways, I was partying it up in the pawn shop, running outside here and there. Meeting people, talking, hugging and just running around being super happy. Wynn and I have never been together without being Sober. So, later in the night I was going downstairs to go outside to cool off,

Then I saw her face. 

Katherine Smith walked up the stairs. I stopped her there, and said, blatantly "you are so cute!" And she replied with a similar line. I told her I would be back in, in a moment, and she told me she was leaving soon. I hurried back inside and found her again. She was clearly intoxicated, and I clearly didn't mind. She kissed me, and then gave me her number and left with her friend. I ran around a little bit more, overheated and then went outside to cool off again. I saw her again, alone this time, walking around the corner to the alley. I took off after her, hoping to god she wasn't planning to drive home. She told me she was trying to find her rental vehicle, which I steadily disagreed she do. I finally convinced her to come back to The Pawn Shop and sober up a little. Instead, when the cygnets was over, I kidnapped her and brought her home.

She ended up staying for three nights, because she sprained her toe. She's from Fort MacMurray, works in the insulating union in Fort Sask. We turned out to have a bit in common, movie/book wise. We both love Quentin Tarantino films, horror films, metal and music. We both enjoy working in trades and labor. We hit it off. 

We continued to see each other, she introduced me to a couple of her friends, who are really cool. We went to A house party at Calvins. Calvin is a fun guy, he works in Fort McMurray. She's a really cool person, very sweet, independent, clumsy, and beautiful. I really enjoy her company. We recently agreed to be in a relationship. It's going well so far. She's a lot of fun to be around, and I love the sound of her laugh.

Christmas was enjoyable, I got into a fender bender on Christmas eve, so I had no money, but the family was here, and the niece and nephew and Auntie Diane. Shane and Ashley, and Cheyenne all made it. It was nice. The house was in a constant uproar, but I had Kat, and I could escape when it got to be too much. New years was a riot, Kat and I went and partied with Cassey, Abbey, Kayden and Lindsay (More of her friends she introduced me to.) We had a two day bash and are now taking some time to relax and replenish our bodies.

Today I learned some happy happy news. My dear sister Dana is engaged to the wonderful Mr. McAllister. I'm stoked for her. Bill is a really sweet guy, I partied with him while I was rotting away in Fort Crack.

Anyways, I think that is a good update, I'll try and keep on top of things. It's easier now that I have my own computer. 

Right now, I am very happy with my life.

Forget about your boyfriend and meet me at the hotel.

You can bring your girlfriends and meet me at the hotel

Hotel. Motel. Holiday Inn.

So much has transpired. We'll start with home life. My aunt moved out and back in with David. Then my uncle came and crashed with us for a couple months (two I think) because he and Kelly are getting a divorce. Then he recently peaced out up to Fort Mac, and now resides in the reman center in Edmonton because he lost it and threatened people's lives. I've got to find a roommate. I had a kitten, but we had to take him away because he was getting so darned mean. My sister had a sort of breakdown and ended up in the Grey Nuns Psychiatric ward for a week. She's alright now.

 I had her fish, Sakhana. She's a beta. interesting animals to say the least, I kept having to poke the darned thing to make sure it's still alive. She sits in the corners of her tank and blows bubbles and then they collect in the little bubble masses. That's all she really did. Ginger, moms cat is having a heck of a time with her lungs, she just walks around coughing all day. Mom's going to take her into the vet soon. Hopefully before she croaks.

Work has been steady. Oui man started labouring with us about a month ago. I have fun working with them. They are such boys though, disgusting and brute. I see Oui practically 90% of the time we are awake. He got laid off though and they sent me up to Fort mac. Brandon is staying in my apartment while I'm away and Oui and Pixie are going to sort of look after things. Tara is flying up on Thursday and is probably staying there as well.

I hate Fort Mac.