I would like a tea. Preferably in a cauldron. Thanks.

Today was decent. Got up at 10, had coffee, and got ready. Then we went out and did what we had to do, then we went and packed the rest of Dana's stuff from the apartment, and that was pretty much most of my day.

D cooked brown rice, pork tenderloin and braised carrots and red pepper. It was delicious.

This is so stupid. I'm stupid.
I worry about stupid little things, they eat me, slowly. Like maggots on a dead rotting body. They pick and squirm and chew. Slowly tearing down my walls of hard built self trust.
I become unsure of myself, and therefore others.

That's not fair to them.
Not fair to her.

What is it, you ask, that is bothering me? What are my maggots?
(If you're reading this Kat, I apologize in advance.)

I know I flirt with my friends, you've made that clear to me.
And tonight, sitting here on the computer with a double screwdriver by my side,
I've felt the consequences of my actions.
I've got a taste of my own medicine. But really it's not like I try to be flirty with them to hurt you.

Just somehow, just a few moments ago, I became very uncertain. I thought about some things you've said to me, shown me. Some things I've heard. And just for a second, I let myself think in your shoes. For a brief moment I removed myself and stared into my own life from another aspect. I placed you in my position.
Shamelessly flirting with your friends. 

And I was genuinely shaken.

In that moment, that I pictured you calling some other girl beautiful, and making innocent gestures, I became scared and sad. Then angry. I felt my chest close up and my breathing tighten.

The fear is selfish really, the mere thought that perhaps you don't actually like me as much as I want you to was awful. It really scared me. And I feel selfish for saying it because you can't love me every second of every day. Can you?

Do not think for one second that I am saying this is how you made me feel. I'm not saying your flirting with anyone, I'm not saying that you did anything to make me feel like this. I'm trying to say that I realized that this is how I made you feel, and I'm only just realizing how fucking awful it was.

I only felt this for about 10 minutes, it's over as I type this, but I just thought you should know.

That being said, I want to apologize sincerely. I want to dig deep down into the center of my own heart and rip the very meaning of 'sorry' out and hand it to you on a golden platter. 

I love you, and I don't ever want to fuck this up.

Sleep well.

<3