Perpetual emotion, predetermined lifetime.

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
-St. Augustine

Wow. Well there you have it. 

Lately I keep feeling like love is this pre-formed set of emotions, a certain mixture of feelings that is the same for everyone. That's so silly. Of course it's not the same for anyone. I keep expecting to just know when I'll feel it. Like it will just wash over me and it will be the most amazing feeling I'll ever experience. Fool, it's not that easy, is it?


Marissa and I made up. Yay.Yesterday in fact. I feel better emotionally, and mentally, but my body is still exhausted. I need to take better care of myself. 

>>--<3--|> 

Katie and the continuously sleep deprived nights.

There seems to be a lack of sleep for me in this world. On average, lately, I get maybe 6 hours. This is a dilemma for me, as I don't do well on little sleep. Strangely enough, my body is getting used to it. I'm not nearly as cranky, and I don't feel like randomly crying because my body is so exhausted. I just mostly feel full of heavy fuzz. Kinda like being hungover, my body is a strange and sickly warm, but without the headache. I have in fact been getting headaches at work though. These last three days have coerced me into buy Motrin liqui-gels, which I take before going to work. I can feel the headaches looming as soon as I wake up in the morning.

How is work? I finally made over 40hrs this week. Only by 2.5 hours I think, but still I'll be clearing 1k on my paycheck if next week goes as well. I worked with Jeff this Friday. Laboring for them is extra hard, I don't think I could labor for them full time though,not because the work is difficult, but because it's so hot out and we are on acreages so there is little shade. I almost passed out yesterday from the heat. I like that I can easily load and unload twenty or so 10ft, 50pnd steel drilling rods though. The only thing that sucked about it was that I had to carry them on my left shoulder, which is much weaker than my right, so now my left shoulder hurts. I don't know if it's from muscles growing or just the fact that I carried almost two thousand pounds of steel in one small area on my shoulder.

My mom came into town yesterday, she took Hitomi to the vet while I was at work. She's okay, she was throwing up because of the pain. She had a bruised stomach and her scrapes were painful. I feel awful about that, when I heard that I almost wanted to cry. Like come on Hayley, the cat just fell 6 floors, of course she'd be in pain, and you could have helped her by taking her to the vet sooner to get her pain meds. Stupid. I still feel responsible for what happened. I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't trust me with their animals again. I'm being too hard on myself I know, but that's just the way I feel about that. Poor kitty :(.

I told mom that I'm gay. She more brought it up herself. We were talking about (oh yeah!) how I'm related to Jeff, who I work with. His mom is Gary's aunt. So Gary is his cousin, and Gary is my sisters ex, who she has kids with. My mom and aunt both know Judy, Jeff's mom. Anyways, she said, "Now they'll give you a raise and baby you and you can flirt with the guys because your practically family. haha." And I replied "uhm.. no." And she said "right you ARE one of the guys." then it went something along the lines of her just saying straight up that she feels more comfortable with the idea because she couldn't stand the thought of me being with a guy. Then I said, "yeah, girls are much nicer anyways." Then we talked about how most of my friends were girls and how she knew a long time ago. She said she would have preferred I'd been more open about it and I told her I just wasn't 100% before. Then she asked about Tara and Jake, because they all ask about Tara and Jake. I told her that Tara and Jake have known each other for a really long time. And then she asked where Marissa fit into all this and I told her that we weren't really talking anymore because of everything. 

I've been having really intense dreams about Marissa these past three nights. They all consist of her being really upset, crying to me and telling me she's sorry. Sometimes she cries and tells me she can't deal with anything anymore. She tells me she needs me. It's scares me, I don't know how to help her in these dreams, I try to tell her I'm sorry as well, and that I lover her, but I can't speak, so I just stand there and hug her and let her cry. Sometimes I can't get to her, and it's like she's behind glass or something. I feel so useless and then I get this devastated feeling that washes over me and I wake up almost in tears. I feel like I should text her and ask her if she's okay, but I don't know if she wants to talk to me at all. I keep asking Carys, Jake and Tara if I should talk to her and they say it's probably not a good idea. I don't know what to do.

When I got paid on Thursday, I almost bought a round trip to Vancouver, Brian said we weren't working until Monday, then I thought about it a little more. Not rational at all. I got so manic about it so suddenly. Then I ended up working Friday anyways.

Anyways, I'm sitting outside on Heathers step, on B's computer. It's sunny out, and the front of the house is shady. I'm drinking a cup of earl gray tea, and listening to African music while Tanya does aerobics on the lawn. I slept for 5 hours and feel that heavy fuzz, though it's dissipating. I think it's getting blown away with the little white pollen fluffs that are floating effortlessly through the air. I was sickly warm when I woke up, and still am when I go inside. There is a light breeze out here that's keeping my temp in check. I'm waiting for my mother to come and get me so we can go to Value Village and find me some work clothes. Then I might try and convince her that we should go hang out at the ledge. Then we have a movie tonight, and I'll possibly get to see Tim tonight. He got in at about 3 am this morning.

Well, I think that was an adequate blog entry.

-Where do all the lovers, meet with one another?-

Look what you've missed, living like this, nobody wins.

Since then, I am because you are.
Since then you are, I am, we are.
& through love I will be,
you will be,
we'll be.

Last night was fun, I went home for awhile and made sure Hitomi was okay (She fell 6 floors off my balcony the previous night -.-;), then I vacuumed the house and headed back over to Heathers. I had tea with her and she showed me this collection of buttons she has. Then we went on a Husky mish and got chips and juice. We took the long way home and took pictures of flowers in peoples yards. I grabbed some chives that were growing on the side of the road, they weren't as tasty as they could have been. We got back and then it was suddenly 10:30, so I headed off to bed. I slept in Heathers room again because Ken was doing stuff on B's computer that involved loud music. I texted Tara pretty much the entire night. We didn't go to work until 9, I work with Jeff tomorrow, and then I don't work until Monday. I'm on my way to go meet Nezi for sushi tonight. I'll update later or tomorrow.

I must have done something good to meet you.

Ugh.

So many amazing and sad things are happening. I'll update later. Too lazy right now. 

EDIT/UPDATE:

Well lets see, Friday night was Jake and Tara's going away party. I stayed up until about 3 am, lots and lots and lots of people were there. I got up at 6 am because I had to leave for work at 7:30. I said goodbye to Tara, and then to Jake. It was so sad. I worked for 9 hours in the hot sun on three hours of sleep and recouping from partying. Thankfully I was put to work with the other group, Jeff and Maddie. Jeff let me sleep when I there wasn't anything for me to do. I went home, fell asleep at 7:30, and then woke up at 7:45 am, and started crying. I had gotten a text from Tara, Jake and Heather. Heather had asked me if I was coming back to the house that night, Tara told me that Dbubbz was in Red Deer, which made me cry because it meant that I could have seen her again before she left. Jake was just telling me that he was going to miss me. I cried for about an hour, while texting everyone back and then pulled myself together and went back to sleep until 11:30. I then got up, met Sam for tea and a talk, went home at 4 ish, did the dishes and then went over to Heathers. I made my lunch and then fell asleep in her bed. She came home around 11:30. I woke up, went to work and texted Tara all day. They both got new numbers and they found a place to live already. It sounds quite amazing. It has a pool, a greenhouse, a koi pond, a garden and it's all green and foliagey. I'm really excited to go see it. I can't wait. 

I was really depressed on Saturday and Sunday, but when Tara told me all about the place they got and all the wonderful things they have been doing, I felt much better. I felt happy. I FEEL happy. Last night, when I called her, they were on their way to Rec Beach. I got a text from Jake around 11 pm that night (10 pm their time) and it contained a picture of Tara, Nessy & Dominique(?) all running on the beach. In the background you can see oranges and yellows that fade up into a dark blue. You can see clouds and a mountain far away, and then silhouettes of all three of them. It was so pretty. It made me severely nostalgic for my Kaslo life though. I miss my horse too. I feel sick to my stomach when I think to deeply about how much I miss her. I emailed Fiona yesterday, but she hasn't gotten back to me yet.

Work is going well, I haven't worked a day under 8 hours this week. I get paid tomorrow. I'm going to send Fiona $300, and then depending on how much I make, pay my phone bill for next month and buy a return ticket from Vancouver. The ticket is actually the first thing I'll buy.

Tara just sent me a text telling me about their adventures on Hornby Island! They went to the beach and found sea shells, napped in the forest and walked along the cliffs. THey have fresh prawns and Noodles and are going to the beach to make a bonfire. She then sent me a picture of Jake on the rocks by the ocean. 

-The time is now. The world will change. The love we have is here to stay.-

Every cloud has a silver lining, right?

I need to get better at blogging. I was reading some of my first posts and I realized that I had much more time than I do now. Therefore, the older posts are a little more detailed. 

So, here goes a general outline of whats been happening lately in all area's of my life.

Work: I have a new job working with Darkbubblz as a laborer for Burbank directional drilling. How that came about: Brandon was working with Darkbubblz and then went  to kootenany and they fired him. I asked DBubbz if they needed a laborer and he hired me. Tara was really sad about it, she was there for the conversation. She got upset because we would have less time to spend together. It isn't as bad as I thought it would be. I still see her everyday. It's been two weeks, I'm still super stoked to work all the time, though today I was pretty crabby. My back was sore, my wisdom tooth was sore, my face is sun burnt, I was tired and we were late this morning. We did get in an 8 hour day though, which is a nice change from the 6.5's we started the week off with.

Play: I haven't been out to the bar/club since... Shane's birthday. Wow. I haven't really been doing a whole lot of anything except spending time with Tara. There was a party at B's about 3 weeks back. I did mdma and hung out with the gang. I went on a mission with Tanya to the park, we kicked cans off a set of steps. It was funny because she ran ahead of me, set them up and then yelled "HAYLEY" and I already knew what to do, we counted to three and kicked them simultaneously. We then walked around the block and picked tulips from people's gardens. Keep in mind, it was about 4 am, and light out. We got super paranoid and headed back to B's through the alleyway, and when we emerged onto the street, there was a cop car. We both froze, turned, I threw the flowers under a truck and then we booked it back up the alley and the cop car ripped up the street, so we ran back up the alley thinking they were going to intersect us at the other end, I grabbed as many flowers as I could and stuffed them into my hoodie. I walked all the way back to B's looking quite guilty. The cops weren't even coming after us. It was funny because we were both super paranoid. When we got back, I gave the flowers to Tara and was quite pleased to learn that I grabbed the only daffodil we had picked.
We've gone to Bonnie Doon pool a couple of times with people.

Family: I have seen a bit of my family recently. I haven't seen or heard from Shane for a long time. Dana moved, her bed is in my bedroom and some of her stuff is randomly scattered in our house and Shane's. She isn't around much, but neither am I. She had a stressful move. Everything was last minute and unorganized. Mom's doing well. I only see her every 10 days.  Cheyenne's go Gary problems that she's dealing with quite well. I told Dana and Cheyenne about Tara. Dana hasn't really said anything. Cheyenne's been more supportive, I told her last night though. My aunt is up in slave lake for the next 8 days.

Friends: Honestly, the only people I've seen are Jake, Tara, Brandon, Dark Bubblz, Heather and Josh. I saw Tanya briefly the other night at Heathers when she crawled into bed with me after they were partying. I tried to make plans with Nezi, but work got in the way and I ended up bailing. I've seen Carys a few times, but also briefly. 

Thats all really. I've lost the enthusiasm of updating my blog.


I wish you would stay, I don't want to deal with this

Darkbubblz and the Ditch Witch.

Work is going well. We didn't work Tuesday due to the rain making everything extremely sticky. Wednesday was a good work day. We finished 5 drops, 3 of them were only pulls, which is when we only have to pull the cable through and not drill another hole for a separate line, and the other 2 were quick straight drills. I'm learning lots about the directional drill machine. Darkbubbz is teaching me quite a bit. I've made $350 in 3 days. Pretty good. I'm finally not super tired after work. I should probably explain exactly what it is I do. I'm a laborer for a directional drilling company that's contracted under Shaw. We go out to all the newly built suburbds and replace/fix the broken underground cables. It's interesting.

 Tara has been quite stressed out as of late. It's understandable, both Jake and Tara are going through a shit ton of stuff right now. I just wish I could help them out with everything. I guess the only way to be any help is just be there for them when they need someone?

It doesn't feel like enough.

It doesn't feel like me anymore.

Hi-ho hi-ho...

It's off to work I go.

Or went.

Woke up at 6:30, ate an amazing breakfast, got picked up and driven to work. Removed some bricks, dug out some gravel, dug out some clay, baled some water, got very, very dirty, got stuck in some soupy dirt that appeared to be drier than it was, measured some pipe, fed some pipe, watched Darkbubblz work the drill machine, learnt about the drill machine, replaced the clay, replaced the gravel, tried to replace the bricks, failed, swept the mess, shoveled some rocks, packed up and went home. I did all this with a smile on my face. I love hard work.

<33

That cold black cloud is coming down...

Feels like I'm knocking on heavens door. 

Work was not very fun at all. We're done now though. I'm starting a new job tomorrow with Sean. I heard words like 'directional drilling, holes, digging'. Sounds like my kinda work. Following close behind were phrases like '6 days a week, over 10 hrs a day, time and a half after 8 hrs, all at $14 an hour.' My brain calculated that I'll be clearing 1 k a week. At 4 weeks per month, and at least 3 months, that will work out to 12k. After taxes, and my rent/phone bill/food I'll hopefully have saved at least 7k. Because then I plan on moving down to Vancouver at the end of the summer.

Tara has agreed to open a joint savings account with me. I am quite thrilled actually. I like those kinds of things, it makes it easier for me to actually save my money and not go off and blow it on all my friends and alcohol.

Everyone's been very stressed out lately. It's hard to stay positive when it feels like there are shards of glass and concrete scraping the through the already explosive and touchy electricity in the air. I've slipped up a few times here and there, and it's had serious consequences. I'm trying really hard though. I keep reminding myself about how much shit everyone is dealing with and that I have nothing to do with it. All I really want is to help everyone deal with their stress.

Everything is wrong regarding the timing of things. I wish she wasn't leaving in 12 days. I wish I could leave with her. If I had the chance to go back to the day she told me she liked me, I wouldn't change anything. I'm happier than I've been in a really long time, and that's really all that matters. 

<3

The full moon is going to get me high.

I've been spending a lot of my time with someone. And when I say a lot, I mean that I've been around this person pretty much everyday since May 10th. I think I've probably had about 3 days total that I haven't been with her. 

No, it's not Marissa.

Things with Marissa are bad. Since the whole mess up on my part, things haven't been the same. She tried though, she invited me over twice to hang out. I bailed the second time and then things just got worse. Tara and I are mostly why Mar is so angry at me. We've been really close as I previously stated. Marissa feels really slighted. It's understandable. I mean she's known them for 3 years and I've been here 3 months and I've wormed my way into their lives so easily. Even I feel a little bad about it. I've gotten to the point where I don't even want to make an effort regarding our friendship though. She won't talk to me about anything and continues to be aggressive and make violent gestures towards me. I'm tired of having this happen and not know why. I was going to give her an option, to open up, talk to me and I would try my hardest to save what was left of our friendship or I was going to stop all together and put my energy somewhere else. Yesterday, I chose option B. When I see her again, I'm going to calmly explain my decision and leave it at that. 

I keep feeling up and down about my decision. I feel bad and then I don't care. I dunno. I'm just unsure about a lot of things right now. The full moon isn't helping with anything. I keep thinking stupid and silly thoughts about everything. My paranoia is through the roof. 

I went camping with Tara, Jake, Marissa, Nessy, Josh and Lukey this past weekend. We didn't really have a solid plan except that we were going to Drumheller for a night and a day and then towards the mountains to camp for the next 4 days. It was really cool. We left the city really late. Marissa and Tara left to go pickup Nessy in Calgary and I waited for Jake to get off work. We ended up leaving the city by 8. We arrived in Drumheller about 11 and got to the campsite about 11:45 ish. We didn't stay up for very long, and we up and about early that morning. Tara and I went on a quick little mish up to the top of this hill that had a Canadian flag on the top. 

I've never been to the badlands. It was really pretty and amazing. There was sage everywhere and it was relatively warm out. It's so different, the landscape, from anything I've seen before. I want to go back and stay for longer.

Anyways, we went to the Hoodoo's, the suspension bridge, and the coal mine/abandoned mining town and then we went to the Dinosaur Museum. It was really amazing. These types of things blow my mind. I can't comprehend them. I can't believe them. Dinosaurs are badass. We were all really tired, and hungry and crabby but we headed out towards Canmore at about 2 pm. The drive was filled with anticipation. The mountains crested the horizon and I forgot to alert Tara to the turn off onto the highway. 

I felt like crying and screaming and laughing the closer we got to the mountains. I asked myself multiple times what was stopping me from just sticking out my thumb and hitching home. I didn't though. We arrived in Canmore with no plan and no campsite reserved or anything. It was leaning on 7pm. Someone mentioned Spray lakes and I recalled reading up on Spray lakes while waiting at Brandon's for Jake. We went out there and luckily found us a nice spot. 

Alberta camping is such a queer thing. You need to pay for this and that, pay for the campsite, pay for firewood. It's really strange. I'm so used to just going out, pitching a tent and going into the bush and picking up logs for wood. And water, you get from a lake or a stream. No we bought a water purifier for almost $100. I mean that I understand, I wouldn't drink lake/stream water from anywhere in Alberta. 

We got to Spray lakes. It was beautiful and frozen. The temperature wasn't preferable but we dealt with it anyways. The nights were cold, and we went into town pretty much everyday. The third day out on Spray lakes, we went out for a hike up Mount Indefatigable, also known as Mt. Fatty. That was something else. It was a moderate climb according to the book, I now have a new respect for the word 'moderate'. It was well worth it though. We reached snow and had to stop about 3 ish hours in. I hunted a quail on the way up with no success. We had a small picnic lunch when we reached the top and continued on our merry way, back down Mt. fatty. I hunted the same quail in the same spot, again with no success. 

I felt so funny on the way down, lighter and at the same time, the more we descended, the heavier I felt. By the bottom of the trail, I didn't want to leave. We returned to the campsite and were accosted ( not literally) by some rednecks, beer wielding girls from the campsite next to us. They invited us over but we declined, proclaiming that we were much too tired.

Monday, we packed up and headed out. Stopped in Banff for a soak in the Hot Springs and then carried on our way, the scenic route, home. We didn't end up getting home until about 11 or 12pm. The next morning, at about 4am, Mar, Tara and I all had to go to work. It was awesome.

Tonight is the full moon. It's messing with me pretty badly because I haven't been keeping up with any of my energy work. Lets hope this blows over well.

It'll never lie to you.

 I need to get a hold of my self.
Maybe it's because I'm sick, but suddenly I'm afraid.
Scared of losing things. I'm so sad at the thought of people coming and going.
Change.
I don't want it. I like things the way they are.
The way they were. I know it's too soon, but I don't feel like I fit in.
Things will change.
I know change is inevitable. Everything is always changing. Always different.
My life feels like it's in a thousand different pieces and I'm trying to tie them all together,
but they keep slipping apart.
I feel like crying but there is no reason for it.
I want to scream and I don't know why.
Something is missing, I'm not sure what.
I want things to be simple. Level. Calm.

Can you hear your heartbeat? It will never lie to you.

And since then, my life has changed. Just as I expected. People are coming and people are going. I can say that I'm happy where I am though. Very happy. I feel loved, and loving. That is all I'm going to say right now, partially because I'm tired, and partially because no one really needs to know anything else.