There's nothing changing, thats a lie.

My life is strange.

And I mean that in the best of ways. 

I can't even begin to understand life and it's curiosities.

Love, an emotion, is one of these things I wonder about.
My life is strange.
Loveless?

I like a lot of things, a lot of people.

Have I ever really loved any of them?

I suppose I could say I love horses. I feel so level around them. 

I can confide my truths and fears to them, and shed my tears upon their skin.
They don't judge. They don't tell me wrong or right.
I feel no hatred for them at any time.
They bring me comfort and peace without doing anything at all.

I guess that's love.
 My life is strange. 

Now we'll get to actual blogging. I got back yesterday from another Slave Lake trip. Kira didn't make it this time. We had to do the cheese section and then had to stop halfway through because we had to wait for Jamie the Manager who never ended up coming. Anyways, we worked for 13.5 hours that day. Then we got our hotel room, and proceeded out to BP's for dinner. There wasn't much else to choose from. We ate our foods and then went back to the hotel room. I was introduced to Katie, Tara and Mar's friend. She hung out with us for awhile while we watched Skins. She left and then we went to sleep. Woke up at 5:30 am, ate breakfast and continued to work. We finished at around noon, went to subway for lunch and then drove all the way home. We got back around 5 ish. I fell asleep at about 7:30, woke up with a giant headache at 6 am, and then went back to sleep until 10. I have some plans with people today. Like tea, and dinner and swimming at 10-12. I need to clean my house thought right now. Ciao.

No Logic.

Well, another recap is in the books isn't it. Uhm I left off April 6th, but it was vague.

 I was in Red Deer for Easter with Amber and Cheyenne and the kids. 

That was lots of fun. I enjoyed spending time with the kids and family. 

 I hooked up with Vida and we went out to Sylvan Lake to visit Rosie. It was really weird, I felt like it hadn't been that long since I last saw her, but it really had been a long time.

I got back home on the 8th or something. Mom came in and we went out to look for a place to live. We ended up getting approved by boardwalk center, which is the same building Jake, Tara and Cass.

I made some bad choices previously and they came back to bite me in the ass. I failed a little and don't want to mention anything else about that.

Moved in by the 11th, and then suddenly it was my birthday. I started on Thursday. Tanya and I met up with Jazz and some of her friends. We went down to Eden and then over to Level 2. I had fun, danced a little and drank a little. Had a pretty quiet night in terms of starting the partying. Friday night I went out to the starlite for Sonata Arctica. Fuckme. That was a fun fun night. I met Shane at Marin's. Then Shane, Marin, and I got a ride to the starlite with Dana. She had to go play pool though so she dropped us off. Marin got me an open tab and bought me a powerglove hoodie and cd (signed!). I found Nezi downstairs at Brixx after the show, but she left soon after. Shane and Melanie were quite drunk and drug me to 'The Bakery' so they could eat some food. Then I cabbed home. Saturday Cheyenne and Gary came with the kids. I went down to the river with Carys, Cass, Tanya, Jake, Tara and Brandon. I had Tyler with me. We ate veggie dogs, and chips and veggies and played with water balloons and hoops. Then we walked to the husky and got slushies and drinks because it was so warm out. That evening, Cheyenne took me and the kids out to the Royal Fork Buffet. That was delish. The selection was amazing and they had a nice spread. That night I went out to New City with Carys and met up with Nezi and Dave. I partied hard, danced even harder and then went to Daves with a group of people after last call. I continued to party hard, and then stopped, slept and woke up extremely early to go home. I came back and lounged around with Sara and Sean, (new friends, yay) and then we went out for booster juice and burgers. Sunday night I attempted another night of mayhem. I went out to Buddies with Carla to watch a burlesque show but didn't even make it to midnight before I was to tired and called it a night.

I think that covered my birthday weekend.
We went to Slave Lake for 3 days that week. The weather was nice and we went down to the park to hoop. That Friday, I went out to Red Deer with the group (Jake, Tara, Marissa, Carys, B, Cass, Lain, Dylan, etc. etc.) We picked up Vida on our way there. I was feeling kind of sick due to my 4 day birthday. I got an ear infection around 3 in the morning and didn't sleep at all. I ended up calling mom and she drove out to Red Deer to pick me up. I slept through most of the day, Grandma and Cheyenne and the kids came and visited but I only saw them at dinner, which mom cooked for my birthday. The next day I was still out of comission. Deaf in my left ear, which was full of fluid that i could feel moving around, and stuffed up. I slept for most of Sunday as well. Mom left for work the following Monday and since then, not a whole lot has been goin on. I've been sick for a long time now, since the 19th. I'm only just getting better.

Tara, Jake and Cass all moved this weekend and I helped them move boxes and clean their apartment. Cass hurt his finger pretty bad and wasn't around for the cleaning.

I started a cleanse on the 28th, with Jake and Tara. It's crazy. I'm failing at self control already. It's been 6 days. I have another 10 to go. I got composting worms from Jen and I've been eating really really healthy and organic. I've also been a recycling nazi.

Living with my aunt is okay. She does some things that annoy me, but they are bearable. My room is almost all set up. I have a lot of stuff from Jake and Tara's move.

Now Im tired of recapping.

I'm okay, now please go away.

So many days. So many things have been put into motion. Things were going well. I spent a lot of time with Marissa. We adventured on nice days and stayed inside on cold days. We went to work, and to the park, and spent even more time together.

Tanya and I also spent a large handful of time. We went for Pho and talked about real things.

Carys complained about how much time I didn't spend with her.

I finally go my ID. Woot.

April fools was a huge failiure. I spent the day stressed out and nauseated. I spent the night mostly alone and wondering where the fuck I fit in regarding this place, these people.

Happy Birthday Jake.

I tried to enjoy the sunshine but I lacked certain chemicals in my brain at that moment. It was just bright, and hot.

I want to go home. On the bus the other day I was overwhelmed by sadness. I wanted so bad to be back in B.C. I realized how much I missed my local organic foodstore and the hippies that hung around. How much I missed last summer with the horses and the valley.

I gotta keep my chin up and my thoughts bright.

Oh Edmonton.

Baby come say hello.

Wow, it's been awhile. What has happened since clarity? Oh, more confusion. We'll start where I left off. So I wasn't in the know about some things regarding some people and their standings with eachother, and that was cleared up finally. Like I said, I heard it through many other people, but I still heard what I needed to hear. I was content with that.

My days were going pretty well and I got exciting news that Vida was coming to see me. I was more than excited actually, I was absolutely on cloud nine. I missed her so much. In a nut shell, she came, we partied, I was stunned to find that I am still madly in love with her, she left and I crumbled. The day after she left I found myself weeping in the shower. One of those cries where you can't catch your breath and can't close your mouth and your sitting in a ball shaking. That kind. It's weird because she tells me she loves me too, and yet she's got some boy hanging around. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect her to drop her life and her boyfriend to come and love me. Again, in this situation clarity and understanding would be amazing. Sometimes I wonder if that girl is any good for me, but somehow I don't care. I just want to be around her all the time and at the same time I'm afraid of who she is. 


Anyways, after that there was a family thing that I brought Tanya too. Cheyenne was coming into town to buy a car and it turned out that the car she came to buy was a junker so I found her a nice Cavalier on kajiji and we went and bought that. Her and my cousin Tinesha ended up staying the night so we drank some rum and played DDR and then I went home and Tanya, Carys and I went out to a frat party. That was... interesting. Mom got all mad at me the next day because I was hungover. 


I got some work with Marissa and Tara. It's just temporary and on call, but I've already made enough money to pay my rent, phone bill and buy a bus ticket. So I'm all set for next month. Plus my ID gets here on the first of April so I'll be able to go out again and hang out more. I've missed so many sweet shows and duped so many sweet dinners and lunches because we can't sit in the bar etc. 


What else? oh yeah, I've been hanging out with Nezi some more. I went to a party at her house, they had bought a texas mickey of appleton. D: I know I said I'd never drink the stuff again, because of meadow mountain, but she forced it on me. And, it was either that or whiskey, which is not a good idea ever. Some boy was really drunk and cried a lot. It freaks me out when boys cry. I hardly ever see it and he was crying pretty hard. It was a pretty good night all in all. 


I had lunch with Jake on Friday, it was good, we caught up on everything and filled in some spaces and then I had sushi with Nezi and a bunch of her friends then I went home and Marissa's friend Steve showed up and we hung out with him. They left just when the electric 6 attendee's returned. We drank lots of pear and lychee wine. That was alright. More confusing things happened, but I figure it's chalked up to the springtime and people going stir crazy so I'm going to leave it alone and let whatever happens, happen. It really is that simple.

I went out for dinner last night with my stepdad and his friend at this really nice Chinese place called the Dynasty Palace. It was really yummy. I didn't feel well at all yesterday so real food was a nice change. Stepdad is going to buy me vitamins and socks today. Lunch is also a possibility of my future.

Oh dear clarity.

Thank you. 

Even though you were very round about in coming to me, here you are. I now know what I wanted to know. And it's amazing. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Standing in front of you, they fade into the wall.

I got some sad news this morning. A friend from Kaslo killed himself this past weekend. I don't really know how I feel about it. I feel kinda.. empty and shallow. Like my head is full of green helium. Time finally slowed down a little though. One of my roommates is going through some shit too. I really just want to be around someone who can at least pretend that their life is okay.

So I texted Jake, he called me and we are going to hang out tomorrow afternoon.

My wallet was stolen on Friday night from New City. That was a bummer. Not to mention Friday included way too much tequila and ended up with me in tears and asking myself why the fuck I moved here. Then I got over it, pulled myself up off the bathroom floor and hung out in Tanya's room with her for awhile. The next day went well. I was pretty hungover. Looked for my wallet to go to Northgate and then realized it was missing. Looked for it most of the day.

Marissa and I went downtown on Sunday to go see if anything was open and report my wallet stolen to the cops. Then we went on a city wide mission to find a park with swings. We found one without swings close to Jakes house and played on it for a good half hour. I had to pee really bad so we went over to Jake's and then he gave us a ride home. We convinced him to take us to find a park with swings. Then we headed over to B's place and hung out with a bunch of people. It was really hard for me to be there. They pulled out Coke and Ketamine and I had some issues with that. I got over it though and we left shortly after that.

Yesterday, I went to the registry in City Center and got my Birth certificate and drivers license figured out and I then had lunch with Mike at Lazia. I came home and Marissa and I watched the Descent.

Today I need to go to the registry again and pick up my birth certificate and then I'm going to maybe go for a really long walk. There are some things I need to clear up in my head. Like where exactly I fit in regarding these people and this place.

R.I.P Kieynan. <3

Cough and Cold.

I realize that I'm a day behind in blogging, I keep having to blog about yesterday. I also realize that my blogs are becoming vague. As in, they don't tell anything about how I'm feeling. So I'll try to get that all in order.

Well, yesterday was really interesting. I cleaned up the kitchen and then left the house to meet Nezi for coffee on Whyte Ave. I stopped in to see Carys at her work so I was a little bit late but it was all good. She bought me a iced mocha. It was delicious. We walked down Whyte and went browsing. We tried on Corsets and other various clothes. That was fun. We made our way down to Value Village and then we both got really hungry. It was around 6 pm and I had to go to my sisters to call Tim. Then Nezi alerted me to the fact that I was not allowed to go anywhere because I was now hanging out with her for the rest of the day. I was a little surprised. I told her I had things to do and she just wouldn't listen to me. So I ended up going with her to Dave's house where we ate food and drank and watched movies. I had fun.

I like her, she's cute. She has the potential to be very aggressive though. She shorter than I am, which is something you don't really think about when you talk to someone online for so long. It's just something you don't really take into consideration when picturing someone else who you've only met in person once briefly. Or maybe that's just me. Anyways, she's also very... outgoing.

On another note, I'm sick. Don't know if I mentioned that at all. I got sick like.. the second day I was here. So hopefully it'll be gone soon. I haven't been able to sleep very well at all. Maybe it's because I'm sick, but I think I'm worried about Vida and the fact that I just moved here. I've been forgetting a lot of things lately. Plans mostly but still it's freaky. I wake up in the middle of the night scared and sometimes sweaty.

On that note, I need to go to my sisters and call people and try and figure out this phone dealio.

Springtime, loveshine.

Yesterday was fun! I went over to my sisters house and cleaned up a bit because she's working in camp and her roommate/best friend is about ready to have a baby. I got into a little rum and had myself a shot or two then I bussed home. Marissa got back from work and we both went back over there to play with the dog, but Heather (the pregnant roomate) was already home. I made a few phone calls and then we came back home. 

Then Tanya and I went out to Karaoke at Avenue Pizza. That was interesting. We sung a few songs and had a drink. There were these really uptight folks there who were taking everything uber seriously and they got mad at us when we sung this country song. It was funny that they were so serious. Then we went to McDonalds and caught the bus home.

I made Marissa a lunch, because that's what I do, I be uber nice to people and make sure they always have everything they need.

Thanks Hayley.

This hour has 40 mins.

Dear time,

It would be really great if you would stop flying by and leaving me in the dust. 

I would enjoy actually getting things done before the day is over. 

Thanks, Love Hayley.

 

So, last two days I've mostly just been hanging out with Tanya and Marissa. Carys is sick so she hides in her room mostly. Jake, Marissa, Oui Man, Tanya and I all went shopping at Value Village, I got two pairs of jeans for really cheap. Yesterday Marissa and I went to West Edmonton Mall. Then we came home, I made dinner and then we brought Tanya to the southside Value Village, where we met up with Ben.

 

Today, I'm going to attempt to go look for a job, but considering that it's already 11, I might just get my resumes printed off and have to call it a day. 

 

I'll try harder to keep up with my blogs too.

"Wait, what the hell is a 'cooley'?"

Okay so where did I leave off?

Ahh yes!

Thursday night

Mom arrived at the house at about 8 pm, and we all settled down and watched the Olympic skating and ate cheese and crackers. Wow I was happy to see her. A little piece of my life came back to me when she pulled up in the driveway. It completed me a little more. She looks good, healthy. She isn't smoking anymore, but she's now eating ridiculous amounts of gum. You win some, you lose some.

Friday

We woke up pretty early and headed up the lake to see people. We went to the restaurant and had breakfast and said hello to everyone and chatted for awhile. We got back to Kalso by noon. I packed up all my giveaway stuff into the car and we went downtown, paid off my tabs and stuff and I bought some sourdough bread to take with me. I said goodbye to Hana and Sunnyside. Mom and I headed to Nelson, went down to the mall and grabbed a few things, and then we met up with my old friend Kaelyn. We were going to give her a ride back to Kaslo. We left the mall and headed up to Still eagle, where I bought my hemp stuff. Then we stopped at the kitchen store where I found a beautiful wine rack for Marlene. Then we headed home. We got there about 5, packed the car with all my moving stuff and then we went down to the Kaslo Hotel for dinner. There was a $10 steak and fries special for their 1st year anniversary!. That was yummy. Marlene loved her wine rack. I was happy about that. We got back to the house and went to sleep around 10. I was soo tired, it felt way later.

Saturday

We woke up at 5 am and got ready to leave, left at about quarter to six and hopped on the ferry. The drive was long, 5am - 7pm. ick. It was fun though, mom and I scoped out places to live when we move from the city. We decided that we liked Coleman, which is about 6 hours from Kaslo, and 4 hours from Calgary. It seemed like a nice little town. We got in and unpacked the car. I organized my clothes and figured out what I was taking over to my new place. I stayed the night with mom instead of going out to Ben's party, which I was too tired to anyways.

Sunday 
Mom and I woke up pretty early again and got ready to go shopping for a phone for me and get groceries. The phone was a no go, they all wanted me to put money down because I've never had a phone before and so therefore have no credit record at all. We went and visited my grandma and then my aunt came to the mall with us again. I got to my new house about 5pm. Put away groceries and then just hung out with my new roomies. We watched Canada's next top model reruns, and then Marissa, Tanya and I watched 'The Breed', a very sadly directed b-movie about attack dogs on a deserted island. Went to sleep pretty late, 2 am, talking to Marissa about horror movies, and then at 8 I woke up, ate breakfast and been diddling around on the computer for awhile.