Who am I to decide that she's wrong.

Maybe she just has to sing for the sake of the song.

 I don't know if anyone I know reads this. I hope you do and I hope you don't.

I don't miss her anymore. We called it off in March. I left, drove to Calgary and started a new job. I went through all the normal stuff, anger to missing her and trying to get her back. Convincing myself I was better than her. Jealousy of her new girlfriend. I started going out, meeting people. But it was simply to distract I think. Which is not fair to anyone on the other end. So I haven't really seen anyone since March.

I'm feel rather lonely lately, I think I miss the perks of having someone there. Another human being that I can connect with. Simple things, waking up and snuggling into one another or cooking breakfast in bed for someone else. A comfort for the rough nights. Someone to show a deep affection for. I didn't think I wanted that so soon, but I find myself a bit sad this Christmas season.

I know I fucking miss that stupid cat. Seth. I call her once in awhile to see if she can arrange some visiting time, but I guess her new girl lives with her. That's what gets me the most, thinking about some other girl getting his little kitty snuggles and his cute little face kisses. I actually feel a sickness in my stomach, a blinding anger. I want to steal him. But he wouldn't be happy.

I've been off work too long. I'm getting bored and my thoughts are becoming rancid. Stale. I have a little side job to bring me in some extra cash for now.

I'm ending my journey of having nothing. Its hard, our society is built in having our comforts and out knick knacks. I've learned to appreciate the things in my life a little better. But I want to start building something, having my own things, my own space. I'm feeling like a bum. Sleeping on other people couches, invading their space.

Ugh.

Iceland in May sounds good. Maybe I f I come back, everything will have changed.

Set me on fire and watch me burn.

What am I doing? Some days I feel like letting go. Just going with the flow. And then other days I feel like I can make a difference in the world. Impact multiple people lives. Live my dreams. And then My dreams change. I go through, in a day or two or three, what most people go through in a year or two. Phases. So rapidly. So quick. And I can't handle it. One day I want to travel the world. And the next I want to be a demonologist and study cannibals. The next I want to live in the woods and live off the land. And then sometimes I just want to let it all go and live day by day and take whatever comes my way.

I don't know who I am. I wrote a song and now I want to do photoshoots and write a book. Last week I wanted to buy a fancy sports car and have everyone be jealous of me. I wanted to buy a nice house and be a professional show jumper. Own horses and grow organic food.


When it all comes down to it., who do I want to be remembered as?
I don't know

If you kill all my demons...

Then my angels might die too.

Hmm lets see. Kat and I have been on the mend. we hit an incredibly low point in our relationship, in fact I think we broke up for a couple hours. 

While I was in Calgary, two of my friends and their father were consumed by a landslide in the small village in which they lived. 

My life is surrounded by death. RIP Diana, Rachael & Valentine. 

We moved back to Edmonton after that. Well actually Kat ditched Calgary because she might have killed herself if she didn't. and I just sort of had to follow. Because Kat and I drove all the way to B.C to go to the memorial, and I was a real cunt the whole way. That is when everything just stopped working between us. When we broke the engagement and she left me in Kaslo, and I called her and she said if I didn't come with her it was over. So I never made it to the memorial. It was a vary tense 8 hr drive back, and man Scorpio's are evil when they are mad. 

So, here I am back in Edmonton. Running away from my mothers death didn't do jack shit for me. I was angry and careless, and I almost lost the only other person I love because of that. I'm fixing myself now. And trying to convince myself that it isn't everyone elses fault that my mother is dead. 

I got myself into the Insulating union. It's good. My hard work is appreciated. It's easy and it pays well. I was working out at Suncor in Fort Mac for 6 1/2 months. Kat actually ended up working out there with me.

Anyways we are both out of there. I have a guaranteed job back there whenever I want to go back. Although why anyone sane would want to go back there, I have no idea. There should be enough work around Deadmonton to live comfortably. Suncor is a shithole of dispair and black lungs. Lovely. 

We are living in a very nice apartment in Summerside  so I don't actually have to see the ugly face of Edmonton everyday. There are no gangs or robberies or shit like that. Brand new area, with lots of well off people. I suppose we are well off, since we live here too. Brand new place, first to live in it. Ken is staying with us again, well was, he's now in B.C buying a new house. He should be back next month sometime. 

Katherine and I are happy again. Everything is stabilizing. Our tempers, our emotions, our life together. She wants me to propose to her this time. And I plan to. Eventually. The kitties are doing very well. Madison got fat after we fixed her and Seth is very large and baby-like 

Madison

Seth

Anyways. 

Happy birthday to me. 

Wake up in the morning, put on my face.

The one that's gonna get me through another day,

Doesn't really matter, how I feel inside,

This life is like a game sometimes.

Katherine, Mom and I decided to move to Fort McMurray in Febuary 2011 to catch a shutdown that would "make us so much money". We had an awful, long, stressful move which included a Uhaul, and Kat losing some of her tooth, we think due to the absurd amount of stress and energy drinks....

My sister Dana, and her fiance Bill lived there. Bill worked at the Sawridge.
I got a job at Bee Clean, doing janitorial out at Suncor while Kat worked 10/4 insulating.

Then there was the Japan Tsunami

Katherine and I at a Wine & Cheese tasting, at the Phantom of The Opera at Keyano College (March)

My birthday was lame, I worked a 12hr shift. It was quiet. 

Then I went and saw trooper with Dana and Bill! That was awesome. Trooper are so OLD. haha, that was a really fun night, Kat had to work though :(

And then there was the Slave Lake fires, which is Canada's 2nd costliest disaster. My aunts Michelle and Kelly lived there, my sister and her kids, and a bunch of my other family. Mom was working up there. 

Luckily, no one was seriously injured, and all my relatives homes didn't burn down. 

Then we had moms birthday, which we were in Edmonton for. We all went to the ledge grounds for the fireworks, which was nice.

almost all my familia, Cheyenne is the only one missing, my other sister. 

Mom's in the purple 

Then I got fired from Bee Clean 1 day before my probation was over, jerks. So we decided to move back to Edmonton, after Dana moved. We ended up moving back in with mom. She got a wonderful two bedroom place.

And then my mom got really bad chest pains, she went to see this holistic doctor and he gave her all these Chinese herbs and shit, and she got worse and finally she went to the real doctors. It all happened in a matter of a week I suppose. She waited for test results for way too long, the doctor never called her back, so she went to another doctor who pulled up her results from a database. 
She was admitted to the hospital on Friday or Saturday I believe. She was happy and healthy and told me and Katherine to take her brand new Ford Escape out to the mountains. Told Dana to go back to Calgary and she would see her next week. 

So Kat and I went to Banff and had an amazing time. And Dana went back to school. And then my Grandma ended up in the same hospital as mom due to pneumonia or something. When we got back, we all went over to visit Grandma, mom was losing a lot of weight. Then on Tuesday, Grandma ended up in the room next to mom. Mom was getting worse and worse, she started to throw up everything she ate. They had her loaded up with meds. The doctors finally came in and told us she had severe liver cancer and it had spread to her lungs, she had 3 months to live, they said. I think that's like the limit they are allowed to tell you, like a standard time limit.

She passed away the next morning at 8 AM of a heart attack. 

 Rest in peace mom
We had her cremated and had a memorial for her in Slave Lake and in Edmonton. I wanted to have one in B.C but I haven't put it together yet.

And now Kat and I live in Calgary, and Cheyenne decided to move here too. I am working landscaping and Kat is out at Kearl Lake. We have been fighting lots due to the fact that I've been losing myself in a dark clouded mess and taking all my angers out on her. We aren't engaged anymore. I've realized though that it has in fact been me who's been the monster and I'm starting to come out of it. Hopefully I am in time to save our relationship.
She is going to be living with her sister in Edmonton, and work there, and I'm going to stay in Calgary and figure out what exactly I want to do with my life.
I keep jumping around from one thing to another, not sticking with anything in particular. 
Anywho, today I'm going to start by cleaning the house. 

Can you please

explain to yourself what exactly you hoped to do with the blog you posted last night?
You're an idiot!

 And Mr. B, You've almost got me convinced to burn the book. But my stupidity is outrageous, therefore I shall continue to read you.

I would like a tea. Preferably in a cauldron. Thanks.

Today was decent. Got up at 10, had coffee, and got ready. Then we went out and did what we had to do, then we went and packed the rest of Dana's stuff from the apartment, and that was pretty much most of my day.

D cooked brown rice, pork tenderloin and braised carrots and red pepper. It was delicious.

This is so stupid. I'm stupid.
I worry about stupid little things, they eat me, slowly. Like maggots on a dead rotting body. They pick and squirm and chew. Slowly tearing down my walls of hard built self trust.
I become unsure of myself, and therefore others.

That's not fair to them.
Not fair to her.

What is it, you ask, that is bothering me? What are my maggots?
(If you're reading this Kat, I apologize in advance.)

I know I flirt with my friends, you've made that clear to me.
And tonight, sitting here on the computer with a double screwdriver by my side,
I've felt the consequences of my actions.
I've got a taste of my own medicine. But really it's not like I try to be flirty with them to hurt you.

Just somehow, just a few moments ago, I became very uncertain. I thought about some things you've said to me, shown me. Some things I've heard. And just for a second, I let myself think in your shoes. For a brief moment I removed myself and stared into my own life from another aspect. I placed you in my position.
Shamelessly flirting with your friends. 

And I was genuinely shaken.

In that moment, that I pictured you calling some other girl beautiful, and making innocent gestures, I became scared and sad. Then angry. I felt my chest close up and my breathing tighten.

The fear is selfish really, the mere thought that perhaps you don't actually like me as much as I want you to was awful. It really scared me. And I feel selfish for saying it because you can't love me every second of every day. Can you?

Do not think for one second that I am saying this is how you made me feel. I'm not saying your flirting with anyone, I'm not saying that you did anything to make me feel like this. I'm trying to say that I realized that this is how I made you feel, and I'm only just realizing how fucking awful it was.

I only felt this for about 10 minutes, it's over as I type this, but I just thought you should know.

That being said, I want to apologize sincerely. I want to dig deep down into the center of my own heart and rip the very meaning of 'sorry' out and hand it to you on a golden platter. 

I love you, and I don't ever want to fuck this up.

Sleep well.

<3

And if you save yourself, you will make him happy.

Kat works for the insulating union. She's almost got enough hours for schooling and she really wants to get her Journeyman ticket.
If Kat goes to work out in Fort McMurray, she can half the time it will take her to get that ticket.
If she went, she would leave after school, in April or May.

I think I'm going with her.

I mean, why not? I moved to the city to make money, and be with family. There is more potential in Fort Mac. I can get a trade, and make money.
Also, it's an adventure. Even if things were to go sour between Kat and I, this wouldn't be such a bad move. I feel like I need to get out and do something for a bit, take a chance or two, make some mistakes.

I don't know.

Kat and I picked up two kittens the other day, Seth and Madison. They are really cute. 8 weeks old. Tabbys.

I'm really happy with them.

Seth is a momma's boy and Madison is a little rebel kitten.

I'm in Fort Mac right now, came for a quick visit, and to take a peek around. See what I'm getting into.

I'll update later.

Bury all your secrets in my skin....

---Come away with innocence
And leave me with my sins
The air around me still feels like a cage
Love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again.---

So, Tara flew up to Edmonton. Stayed at my house with Brandon. Then my step dad walked in and found them doing exactly what I asked them not to do. The house was a mess, and they hadn't kept things to my bedroom, that should have been kept in my room. My mother caught wind, and kindly asked me to tell them to leave. So I did. Tara and Brandon then told me that I wasn't being fair, and that I owed it to them. They forgot that they had been at my house, using my water, power, heat, and internet and sleeping in my bed. Anyways, I was stuck up in Fort Mac, working 24 straight days, freaking out about people being in my house, when Tara informed me that I had no power over where the keys were going. "That's not how this is going to work Haylee." I lost it.

It wouldn't have been so bad, had I not learned the day before that Ben Walker had died two months previously. Then my mother called me, a day or two after everything regarding my house keys was sorted out, to tell me that Ginger had kitty cancer, and it was really bad. Mom got her put down, and cremated. Oui and Pixie were really awesome, and visited mom while I was away. They really freaking rock my world. I got home on November 10th worked the 11th and then was finally done work.

My mother had made me a polar bear costume for Halloween. And when I returned, I wore it. I wore it out to the creepshow on Friday, at New City, I named it Wynn Awh Sum. Let me tell you something, puppies don't work anymore. Polar bear costumes, fucking haul the ladies in.

 

I took Wynn out a few more times. I partied it up, applied for EI and just enjoyed Mike and Pixies company. The weekend after the weekend of my return, Mom, Shane and I all went to the mall. Mom lost her car keys and we were stuck at the mall until Jen came to the rescue. (Thanks again, Jen!) We went home, and Shane and I contemplated going out to the free Cygnets show at The Pawn Shop. We weren't going to because we were tired from the days event's but I wanted to take Wynn out again. 

So we went.

And I'm so happy I did. 

I saw Melanie, and Jen and a few other people when I got there, which was a huge adventure in itself. I walked down Whyte with Shane and was consistently swarmed with girls who for some reason were terribly under dressed for the weather. Anyways, I was partying it up in the pawn shop, running outside here and there. Meeting people, talking, hugging and just running around being super happy. Wynn and I have never been together without being Sober. So, later in the night I was going downstairs to go outside to cool off,

Then I saw her face. 

Katherine Smith walked up the stairs. I stopped her there, and said, blatantly "you are so cute!" And she replied with a similar line. I told her I would be back in, in a moment, and she told me she was leaving soon. I hurried back inside and found her again. She was clearly intoxicated, and I clearly didn't mind. She kissed me, and then gave me her number and left with her friend. I ran around a little bit more, overheated and then went outside to cool off again. I saw her again, alone this time, walking around the corner to the alley. I took off after her, hoping to god she wasn't planning to drive home. She told me she was trying to find her rental vehicle, which I steadily disagreed she do. I finally convinced her to come back to The Pawn Shop and sober up a little. Instead, when the cygnets was over, I kidnapped her and brought her home.

She ended up staying for three nights, because she sprained her toe. She's from Fort MacMurray, works in the insulating union in Fort Sask. We turned out to have a bit in common, movie/book wise. We both love Quentin Tarantino films, horror films, metal and music. We both enjoy working in trades and labor. We hit it off. 

We continued to see each other, she introduced me to a couple of her friends, who are really cool. We went to A house party at Calvins. Calvin is a fun guy, he works in Fort McMurray. She's a really cool person, very sweet, independent, clumsy, and beautiful. I really enjoy her company. We recently agreed to be in a relationship. It's going well so far. She's a lot of fun to be around, and I love the sound of her laugh.

Christmas was enjoyable, I got into a fender bender on Christmas eve, so I had no money, but the family was here, and the niece and nephew and Auntie Diane. Shane and Ashley, and Cheyenne all made it. It was nice. The house was in a constant uproar, but I had Kat, and I could escape when it got to be too much. New years was a riot, Kat and I went and partied with Cassey, Abbey, Kayden and Lindsay (More of her friends she introduced me to.) We had a two day bash and are now taking some time to relax and replenish our bodies.

Today I learned some happy happy news. My dear sister Dana is engaged to the wonderful Mr. McAllister. I'm stoked for her. Bill is a really sweet guy, I partied with him while I was rotting away in Fort Crack.

Anyways, I think that is a good update, I'll try and keep on top of things. It's easier now that I have my own computer. 

Right now, I am very happy with my life.

Forget about your boyfriend and meet me at the hotel.

You can bring your girlfriends and meet me at the hotel

Hotel. Motel. Holiday Inn.

So much has transpired. We'll start with home life. My aunt moved out and back in with David. Then my uncle came and crashed with us for a couple months (two I think) because he and Kelly are getting a divorce. Then he recently peaced out up to Fort Mac, and now resides in the reman center in Edmonton because he lost it and threatened people's lives. I've got to find a roommate. I had a kitten, but we had to take him away because he was getting so darned mean. My sister had a sort of breakdown and ended up in the Grey Nuns Psychiatric ward for a week. She's alright now.

 I had her fish, Sakhana. She's a beta. interesting animals to say the least, I kept having to poke the darned thing to make sure it's still alive. She sits in the corners of her tank and blows bubbles and then they collect in the little bubble masses. That's all she really did. Ginger, moms cat is having a heck of a time with her lungs, she just walks around coughing all day. Mom's going to take her into the vet soon. Hopefully before she croaks.

Work has been steady. Oui man started labouring with us about a month ago. I have fun working with them. They are such boys though, disgusting and brute. I see Oui practically 90% of the time we are awake. He got laid off though and they sent me up to Fort mac. Brandon is staying in my apartment while I'm away and Oui and Pixie are going to sort of look after things. Tara is flying up on Thursday and is probably staying there as well.

I hate Fort Mac.

Hey Haylee... Update your blog!

Here we go.

• Shambles: Freaking amazing! I left the city with Lee, on Sunday night, stayed in Calgary at Nessi's until Saturday evening because she had to do Leah's hair. Then we packed up Vanessa. picked up window markers, and headed out to paradise. We ended up in Kaslo at midnight and then decided that Loki. the party I was going to go to, was a bad idea. So we unpacked what we needed and slept. I got up at 6:30 and walked down to Robins to see Leone and Diana off to work. Then I harassed Robin out of bed at around 8. Margie, Robin and I all went out for breakfast at the bluebelle bistro, and then Robin and I found Peter. Oh wow. It's strange not seeing your best friend/gay ex-boyfriend for a really long time, and then seeing him again. I was soo happy to see him we all went back up to Harmony's and everyone (Harm, Joe, Erlend, Holly, Lee and Nessy) was awake. Now from here on, I don't quite recall the order of my adventures. I know  had a wonderful time though. I hung out with everyone I wanted to see. Holly, Lee, Nessy and I all drank down at the beach, and then I ended up going to Robin's with Dougie. We then went up to Harmony's and had quite the adventure with Harmony. We stayed up until the early hours of the morn. That following day... Tuesday I guess I got a ride to Balfour, met up with Aricia and then with Kate and her sisters bf. We went across the ferry, and to crystal beach and then went to my old place, which is non existent now. Then Kate and I caught the ferry back and went to her place. We went riding, it was wonderful. I haven't been on a horse in almost half a year.. It was so refreshing. Savage is an amazing creature, he's so full of gentle and calm energy. Not to mention he's beautiful. We got back to Kate's and she dropped me off at the hitching spot in Nelson. When I got to the lineup, people who were walking up had to stand and wait for a ride up. I called Jake and he was in Nelson, they were on their way back so I sat at the gate and waited for them. They were all really baked when I got in the car. Apparently they had all eaten pot cookies. Anyways, they dropped me at the vehicle lineup, where I promptly found Nessy and Lee. Everyone was partying and I was just not feeling it, so I found Lee's car and fell asleep in it. We woke up at 8 am, and waited around until we got let in.                                 
  
                               Now from here on I really have no idea of the order of events. We set up our tents and I went and found Robin and the Twins and everyone else. I did a little bit of running a couple nights in a row for some people. Made a little bit of money. On Friday at noon, I hit up some Lucy with Jake, Marissa, Tara and Brandon. That was a laugh, literally. I laughed for about 10 hours. Robin also did it with me, when I took my second one. Tara and Brandon ditched pretty much as soon as we dropped. I didn't mind really, I had so much fun, laughing at everything and everyone. At one point, I came out of the outhouse, after reading "the boogieman wears Chuck Norris pajamas to bed" and looked at everyone in the line up and said "Have fun standing in line for the shittiest place on earth." I laughed at my own joke. I then encountered a dancing zebra man who was accompanied by a dancing lion man. I found this quite hilarious. Robin was with me for those two adventures. The next night, I believe was Saturday night, Robin and I did Molly and I had a bit of a freak out. Got too high, too fast. I danced until 7 am though. Then I spent the majority of the day in the water temple in the Labyrinth. My energy was all crazy and unkempt. Frazzled. I met this really nice lady named Angel, who gave me an energy healing massage. It was wonderful. She asked me if I was going through complicated relationship problems, and I told her about what was going on. She taught me how to center my breathing to balance things out. Then she asked me if I had some sort of recent trauma, and I told her about my freak out the previous night and we worked on the lingering fear that had nestled itself within my abdomen. Saturday day, I hung out with Mike while he was with Lucy. We had quite the adventure. Someone decided it was a good idea to pour some sort of pellets in the river to turn it bright green, and I don't mean just green, I mean like.. biohazard green....

That was both amazing and infuriating at the same time. Some people are idiots.


I hung out with lots of people that I haven't seen in a long long time. Too much amazing happened for me to go over. Next year I'll take pictures. I didn't this year, for some perplexing sub-conscious reason. I lost my ID and couldn't get back in time for work Monday. I got a ride home with Lee back to the City, and made work on Tuesday.

Another update is to come as soon as I stop getting so distracted.